Cowardly Lion
A Screenplay by Mark Antony Raines Comedy Friendly Zombie Production 2019
EXT. MIAMI BEACH - AFTERNOON
Giving computer programmer MASTER DANIEL FERGUSON is arguing with articulate gardener DI STEVE JONES. DANIEL tries to hug STEVE but he shakes him off.
DANIEL
Please Steve, don't leave me.
STEVE
I'm sorry Daniel, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
DANIEL
I am such a person!
STEVE frowns.
STEVE
I'm sorry, Daniel. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
STEVE leaves.
DANIEL sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, kind swordsman PROF WARWICK TORRANCE barges in looking flustered.
DANIEL
Goodness, Warwick! Is everything okay?
WARWICK
I'm afraid not.
DANIEL
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
WARWICK
It's ... a lion ... I saw an evil lion hurt a bunch of swimmers!
DANIEL
Defenseless swimmers?
WARWICK
Yes, defenseless swimmers!
DANIEL
Bloomin' heck, Warwick! We've got to do something.
WARWICK
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
DANIEL
You can start by telling me where this happened.
WARWICK
I was...
WARWICK fans himself and begins to wheeze.
DANIEL
Focus Warwick, focus! Where did it happen?
WARWICK
Kings Cross Station, London! That's right - Kings Cross Station, London!
DANIEL springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
DANIEL rushes along the street, followed by WARWICK. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
INT. KINGS CROSS STATION, LONDON - SHORTLY AFTER
HEATHER BLACKMAN a cowardly lion terrorises two swimmers.
DANIEL, closely followed by WARWICK, rushes towards HEATHER, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
WARWICK
What is is? What's the matter?
DANIEL
That's not just any old lion, that's Heather Blackman!
WARWICK
Who's Heather Blackman?
DANIEL
Who's Heather Blackman? Who's Heather Blackman? Only the most cowardly lion in the universe!
WARWICK
Blinkin' knickers, Daniel! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most cowardly lion in the universe!
DANIEL
You can say that again.
WARWICK
Blinkin' knickers, Daniel! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most cowardly lion in the universe!
DANIEL
I'm going to need paperweights, lots of paperweights.
Heather turns and sees Daniel and Warwick. She grins an evil grin.
HEATHER
Daniel Ferguson, we meet again.
WARWICK
You've met?
DANIEL
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young DANIEL is sitting in a park listening to some piano music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees HEATHER. He takes off his headphones.
HEATHER
Would you like some fruit gums?
DANIEL's eyes light up, but then he studies HEATHER more closely, and looks uneasy.
DANIEL
I don't know, you look kind of cowardly.
HEATHER
Me? No. I'm not cowardly. I'm the least cowardly lion in the world.
DANIEL
Wait, you're a lion?
DANIEL runs away, screaming.
INT. KINGS CROSS STATION, LONDON - PRESENT DAY
HEATHER
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
WARWICK
(To DANIEL) You ran away?
DANIEL
(To WARWICK) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
DANIEL turns to HEATHER.
DANIEL
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
DANIEL runs away.
He turns back and shouts.
DANIEL
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with paperweights.
HEATHER
I'm not scared of you.
DANIEL
You should be.
EXT. VASQUEZ ROCKS, CALIFORNIA - LATER THAT DAY
DANIEL and WARWICK walk around searching for something.
DANIEL
I feel sure I left my paperweights somewhere around here.
WARWICK
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly paperweights.
DANIEL
You know nothing Warwick Torrance.
WARWICK
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, HEATHER appears, holding a pair of paperweights.
HEATHER
Looking for something?
WARWICK
Crikey, Daniel, she's got your paperweights.
DANIEL
Tell me something I don't already know!
WARWICK
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
DANIEL
I know that already!
WARWICK
I'm afraid of sausages.
HEATHER
(appalled) Dude!
While HEATHER is looking at WARWICK with disgust, DANIEL lunges forward and grabs his deadly paperweights. He wields them, triumphantly.
DANIEL
Prepare to die, you cowardly aubergine!
HEATHER
No please! All I did was hurt a bunch of swimmers!
STEVE enters, unseen by any of the others.
DANIEL
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those swimmers were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Daniel Ferguson defender of innocent swimmers.
HEATHER
Don't hurt me! Please!
DANIEL
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these paperweights on you right away!
HEATHER
Because Daniel, I am your mother.
DANIEL looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
DANIEL
No you're not!
HEATHER
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
HEATHER tries to grab the paperweights but DANIEL dodges out of the way.
DANIEL
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, HEATHER slumps to the ground.
WARWICK
Did she just faint?
DANIEL
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly paperweights.
DANIEL crouches over HEATHER's body.
WARWICK
Be careful, Daniel. It could be a trick.
DANIEL
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Heather Blackman is dead!
DANIEL
What?
DANIEL
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
WARWICK claps his hands.
WARWICK
So your paperweights did save the day, after all.
STEVE steps forward.
STEVE
Is it true? Did you kill the cowardly lion?
DANIEL
Steve how long have you been...?
STEVE puts his arm around DANIEL.
STEVE
Long enough.
DANIEL
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Heather Blackman.
STEVE
Then the swimmers are safe?
DANIEL
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable swimmers enter, looking relived.
STEVE
You are their hero.
The swimmers bow to DANIEL.
DANIEL
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Heather Blackman will never hurt swimmers ever again, is enough for me.
STEVE
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the swimmers passes DANIEL a wooden necklace
STEVE
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
DANIEL
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
DANIEL
Well, if you insist.
DANIEL takes the necklace.
DANIEL
Thank you.
The swimmers bow their heads once more, and leave.
DANIEL turns to STEVE.
DANIEL
Does this mean you want me back?
STEVE
Oh, Daniel, of course I want you back!
DANIEL smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
DANIEL
Well you can't have me.
STEVE
WHAT?
DANIEL
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a lion to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
STEVE
But...
DANIEL
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Warwick.
WARWICK grins.
STEVE
But...
WARWICK
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
STEVE
Daniel?
DANIEL
I'm sorry Steve, but I think you should skidaddle.
STEVE leaves.
WARWICK turns to DANIEL.
WARWICK
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
DANIEL
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly WARWICK stops.
WARWICK
When I said I'm afraid of sausages, you know I was just trying to distract the lion don't you?
THE END
Giving computer programmer MASTER DANIEL FERGUSON is arguing with articulate gardener DI STEVE JONES. DANIEL tries to hug STEVE but he shakes him off.
Please Steve, don't leave me.
I'm sorry Daniel, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
I am such a person!
STEVE frowns.
I'm sorry, Daniel. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
STEVE leaves.
DANIEL sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, kind swordsman PROF WARWICK TORRANCE barges in looking flustered.
Goodness, Warwick! Is everything okay?
I'm afraid not.
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
It's ... a lion ... I saw an evil lion hurt a bunch of swimmers!
Defenseless swimmers?
Yes, defenseless swimmers!
Bloomin' heck, Warwick! We've got to do something.
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
You can start by telling me where this happened.
I was...
WARWICK fans himself and begins to wheeze.
Focus Warwick, focus! Where did it happen?
Kings Cross Station, London! That's right - Kings Cross Station, London!
DANIEL springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
DANIEL rushes along the street, followed by WARWICK. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
INT. KINGS CROSS STATION, LONDON - SHORTLY AFTER
HEATHER BLACKMAN a cowardly lion terrorises two swimmers.
DANIEL, closely followed by WARWICK, rushes towards HEATHER, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
What is is? What's the matter?
That's not just any old lion, that's Heather Blackman!
Who's Heather Blackman?
Who's Heather Blackman? Who's Heather Blackman? Only the most cowardly lion in the universe!
Blinkin' knickers, Daniel! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most cowardly lion in the universe!
You can say that again.
Blinkin' knickers, Daniel! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most cowardly lion in the universe!
I'm going to need paperweights, lots of paperweights.
Heather turns and sees Daniel and Warwick. She grins an evil grin.
Daniel Ferguson, we meet again.
You've met?
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young DANIEL is sitting in a park listening to some piano music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees HEATHER. He takes off his headphones.
Would you like some fruit gums?
DANIEL's eyes light up, but then he studies HEATHER more closely, and looks uneasy.
I don't know, you look kind of cowardly.
Me? No. I'm not cowardly. I'm the least cowardly lion in the world.
Wait, you're a lion?
DANIEL runs away, screaming.
INT. KINGS CROSS STATION, LONDON - PRESENT DAY
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
(To DANIEL) You ran away?
(To WARWICK) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
DANIEL turns to HEATHER.
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
DANIEL runs away.
He turns back and shouts.
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with paperweights.
I'm not scared of you.
You should be.
EXT. VASQUEZ ROCKS, CALIFORNIA - LATER THAT DAY
DANIEL and WARWICK walk around searching for something.
I feel sure I left my paperweights somewhere around here.
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly paperweights.
You know nothing Warwick Torrance.
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, HEATHER appears, holding a pair of paperweights.
Looking for something?
Crikey, Daniel, she's got your paperweights.
Tell me something I don't already know!
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
I know that already!
I'm afraid of sausages.
(appalled) Dude!
While HEATHER is looking at WARWICK with disgust, DANIEL lunges forward and grabs his deadly paperweights. He wields them, triumphantly.
Prepare to die, you cowardly aubergine!
No please! All I did was hurt a bunch of swimmers!
STEVE enters, unseen by any of the others.
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those swimmers were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Daniel Ferguson defender of innocent swimmers.
Don't hurt me! Please!
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these paperweights on you right away!
Because Daniel, I am your mother.
DANIEL looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
No you're not!
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
HEATHER tries to grab the paperweights but DANIEL dodges out of the way.
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, HEATHER slumps to the ground.
Did she just faint?
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly paperweights.
DANIEL crouches over HEATHER's body.
Be careful, Daniel. It could be a trick.
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Heather Blackman is dead!
What?
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
WARWICK claps his hands.
So your paperweights did save the day, after all.
STEVE steps forward.
Is it true? Did you kill the cowardly lion?
Steve how long have you been...?
STEVE puts his arm around DANIEL.
Long enough.
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Heather Blackman.
Then the swimmers are safe?
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable swimmers enter, looking relived.
You are their hero.
The swimmers bow to DANIEL.
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Heather Blackman will never hurt swimmers ever again, is enough for me.
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the swimmers passes DANIEL a wooden necklace
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
Well, if you insist.
DANIEL takes the necklace.
Thank you.
The swimmers bow their heads once more, and leave.
DANIEL turns to STEVE.
Does this mean you want me back?
Oh, Daniel, of course I want you back!
DANIEL smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
Well you can't have me.
WHAT?
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a lion to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
But...
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Warwick.
WARWICK grins.
But...
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
Daniel?
I'm sorry Steve, but I think you should skidaddle.
STEVE leaves.
WARWICK turns to DANIEL.
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly WARWICK stops.
When I said I'm afraid of sausages, you know I was just trying to distract the lion don't you?
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