Malicious Monster
A Screenplay by Freddy the freak
INT. HAMSTEAD HEATH, LONDON - AFTERNOON
Down to earth lawyer PROF JENNY SUPERHALK is arguing with delightful computer programmer SIR ROGER JOHNSON. JENNY tries to hug ROGER but he shakes her off.
JENNY
Please Roger, don't leave me.
ROGER
I'm sorry Jenny, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
JENNY
I am such a person!
ROGER frowns.
ROGER
I'm sorry, Jenny. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
ROGER leaves.
JENNY sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, hopeful shopkeeper SIR JOSHUA THOMAS barges in looking flustered.
JENNY
Goodness, Joshua! Is everything okay?
JOSHUA
I'm afraid not.
JENNY
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
JOSHUA
It's ... a monster ... I saw an evil monster murder a bunch of elderly ladies!
JENNY
Defenseless elderly ladies?
JOSHUA
Yes, defenseless elderly ladies!
JENNY
Bloomin' heck, Joshua! We've got to do something.
JOSHUA
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
JENNY
You can start by telling me where this happened.
JOSHUA
I was...
JOSHUA fans himself and begins to wheeze.
JENNY
Focus Joshua, focus! Where did it happen?
JOSHUA
a supermarket! That's right - a supermarket!
JENNY springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
JENNY rushes along the street, followed by JOSHUA. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
EXT. A SUPERMARKET - SHORTLY AFTER
NADINE GODFREY a malicious monster terrorises two elderly ladies.
JENNY, closely followed by JOSHUA, rushes towards NADINE, but suddenly stops in her tracks.
JOSHUA
What is is? What's the matter?
JENNY
That's not just any old monster, that's Nadine Godfrey!
JOSHUA
Who's Nadine Godfrey?
JENNY
Who's Nadine Godfrey? Who's Nadine Godfrey? Only the most malicious monster in the universe!
JOSHUA
Blinkin' knickers, Jenny! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most malicious monster in the universe!
JENNY
You can say that again.
JOSHUA
Blinkin' knickers, Jenny! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most malicious monster in the universe!
JENNY
I'm going to need spoons, lots of spoons.
Nadine turns and sees Jenny and Joshua. She grins an evil grin.
NADINE
Jenny Superhalk, we meet again.
JOSHUA
You've met?
JENNY
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young JENNY is sitting in a park listening to some jazz music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.
She looks up and sees NADINE. She takes off her headphones.
NADINE
Would you like some fruit gums?
JENNY's eyes light up, but then he studies NADINE more closely, and looks uneasy.
JENNY
I don't know, you look kind of malicious.
NADINE
Me? No. I'm not malicious. I'm the least malicious monster in the world.
JENNY
Wait, you're a monster?
JENNY runs away, screaming.
EXT. A SUPERMARKET - PRESENT DAY
NADINE
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
JOSHUA
(To JENNY) You ran away?
JENNY
(To JOSHUA) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
JENNY turns to NADINE.
JENNY
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
JENNY runs away.
She turns back and shouts.
JENNY
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with spoons.
NADINE
I'm not scared of you.
JENNY
You should be.
INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - LATER THAT DAY
JENNY and JOSHUA walk around searching for something.
JENNY
I feel sure I left my spoons somewhere around here.
JOSHUA
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly spoons.
JENNY
You know nothing Joshua Thomas.
JOSHUA
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, NADINE appears, holding a pair of spoons.
NADINE
Looking for something?
JOSHUA
Crikey, Jenny, she's got your spoons.
JENNY
Tell me something I don't already know!
JOSHUA
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
JENNY
I know that already!
JOSHUA
I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed.
NADINE
(appalled) Dude!
While NADINE is looking at JOSHUA with disgust, JENNY lunges forward and grabs her deadly spoons. He wields them, triumphantly.
JENNY
Prepare to die, you malicious courgette!
NADINE
No please! All I did was murder a bunch of elderly ladies!
ROGER enters, unseen by any of the others.
JENNY
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly ladies were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Jenny Superhalk defender of innocent elderly ladies.
NADINE
Don't hurt me! Please!
JENNY
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these spoons on you right away!
NADINE
Because Jenny, I am your mother.
JENNY looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.
JENNY
No you're not!
NADINE
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
NADINE tries to grab the spoons but JENNY dodges out of the way.
JENNY
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, NADINE slumps to the ground.
JOSHUA
Did she just faint?
JENNY
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly spoons.
JENNY crouches over NADINE's body.
JOSHUA
Be careful, Jenny. It could be a trick.
JENNY
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Nadine Godfrey is dead!
JENNY
What?
JENNY
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
JOSHUA claps his hands.
JOSHUA
So your spoons did save the day, after all.
ROGER steps forward.
ROGER
Is it true? Did you kill the malicious monster?
JENNY
Roger how long have you been...?
ROGER puts his arm around JENNY.
ROGER
Long enough.
JENNY
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Nadine Godfrey.
ROGER
Then the elderly ladies are safe?
JENNY
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable elderly ladies enter, looking relived.
ROGER
You are their hero.
The elderly ladies bow to JENNY.
JENNY
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Nadine Godfrey will never murder elderly ladies ever again, is enough for me.
ROGER
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the elderly ladies passes JENNY a mystical talisman
ROGER
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
JENNY
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
JENNY
Well, if you insist.
JENNY takes the talisman.
JENNY
Thank you.
The elderly ladies bow their heads once more, and leave.
JENNY turns to ROGER.
JENNY
Does this mean you want me back?
ROGER
Oh, Jenny, of course I want you back!
JENNY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
JENNY
Well you can't have me.
ROGER
WHAT?
JENNY
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a monster to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
ROGER
But...
JENNY
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Joshua.
JOSHUA grins.
ROGER
But...
JOSHUA
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
ROGER
Jenny?
JENNY
I'm sorry Roger, but I think you should skidaddle.
ROGER leaves.
JOSHUA turns to JENNY.
JOSHUA
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
JENNY
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly JOSHUA stops.
JOSHUA
When I said I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed, you know I was just trying to distract the monster don't you?
THE END
Down to earth lawyer PROF JENNY SUPERHALK is arguing with delightful computer programmer SIR ROGER JOHNSON. JENNY tries to hug ROGER but he shakes her off.
Please Roger, don't leave me.
I'm sorry Jenny, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
I am such a person!
ROGER frowns.
I'm sorry, Jenny. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
ROGER leaves.
JENNY sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, hopeful shopkeeper SIR JOSHUA THOMAS barges in looking flustered.
Goodness, Joshua! Is everything okay?
I'm afraid not.
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
It's ... a monster ... I saw an evil monster murder a bunch of elderly ladies!
Defenseless elderly ladies?
Yes, defenseless elderly ladies!
Bloomin' heck, Joshua! We've got to do something.
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
You can start by telling me where this happened.
I was...
JOSHUA fans himself and begins to wheeze.
Focus Joshua, focus! Where did it happen?
a supermarket! That's right - a supermarket!
JENNY springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
JENNY rushes along the street, followed by JOSHUA. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
EXT. A SUPERMARKET - SHORTLY AFTER
NADINE GODFREY a malicious monster terrorises two elderly ladies.
JENNY, closely followed by JOSHUA, rushes towards NADINE, but suddenly stops in her tracks.
What is is? What's the matter?
That's not just any old monster, that's Nadine Godfrey!
Who's Nadine Godfrey?
Who's Nadine Godfrey? Who's Nadine Godfrey? Only the most malicious monster in the universe!
Blinkin' knickers, Jenny! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most malicious monster in the universe!
You can say that again.
Blinkin' knickers, Jenny! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most malicious monster in the universe!
I'm going to need spoons, lots of spoons.
Nadine turns and sees Jenny and Joshua. She grins an evil grin.
Jenny Superhalk, we meet again.
You've met?
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young JENNY is sitting in a park listening to some jazz music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.
She looks up and sees NADINE. She takes off her headphones.
Would you like some fruit gums?
JENNY's eyes light up, but then he studies NADINE more closely, and looks uneasy.
I don't know, you look kind of malicious.
Me? No. I'm not malicious. I'm the least malicious monster in the world.
Wait, you're a monster?
JENNY runs away, screaming.
EXT. A SUPERMARKET - PRESENT DAY
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
(To JENNY) You ran away?
(To JOSHUA) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
JENNY turns to NADINE.
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
JENNY runs away.
She turns back and shouts.
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with spoons.
I'm not scared of you.
You should be.
INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - LATER THAT DAY
JENNY and JOSHUA walk around searching for something.
I feel sure I left my spoons somewhere around here.
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly spoons.
You know nothing Joshua Thomas.
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, NADINE appears, holding a pair of spoons.
Looking for something?
Crikey, Jenny, she's got your spoons.
Tell me something I don't already know!
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
I know that already!
I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed.
(appalled) Dude!
While NADINE is looking at JOSHUA with disgust, JENNY lunges forward and grabs her deadly spoons. He wields them, triumphantly.
Prepare to die, you malicious courgette!
No please! All I did was murder a bunch of elderly ladies!
ROGER enters, unseen by any of the others.
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly ladies were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Jenny Superhalk defender of innocent elderly ladies.
Don't hurt me! Please!
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these spoons on you right away!
Because Jenny, I am your mother.
JENNY looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.
No you're not!
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
NADINE tries to grab the spoons but JENNY dodges out of the way.
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, NADINE slumps to the ground.
Did she just faint?
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly spoons.
JENNY crouches over NADINE's body.
Be careful, Jenny. It could be a trick.
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Nadine Godfrey is dead!
What?
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
JOSHUA claps his hands.
So your spoons did save the day, after all.
ROGER steps forward.
Is it true? Did you kill the malicious monster?
Roger how long have you been...?
ROGER puts his arm around JENNY.
Long enough.
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Nadine Godfrey.
Then the elderly ladies are safe?
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable elderly ladies enter, looking relived.
You are their hero.
The elderly ladies bow to JENNY.
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Nadine Godfrey will never murder elderly ladies ever again, is enough for me.
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the elderly ladies passes JENNY a mystical talisman
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
Well, if you insist.
JENNY takes the talisman.
Thank you.
The elderly ladies bow their heads once more, and leave.
JENNY turns to ROGER.
Does this mean you want me back?
Oh, Jenny, of course I want you back!
JENNY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
Well you can't have me.
WHAT?
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a monster to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
But...
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Joshua.
JOSHUA grins.
But...
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
Jenny?
I'm sorry Roger, but I think you should skidaddle.
ROGER leaves.
JOSHUA turns to JENNY.
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly JOSHUA stops.
When I said I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed, you know I was just trying to distract the monster don't you?
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