The Gunfighters
Original Airdate: 30 Apr, 1966
Transcriber's notes - this story only exists in audio format. The Ballad is sung by Lynda Baron.
Episode One - A Holiday for the Doctor
[Corral]
BALLAD: So fill up your glasses,
And join in the song.
The law's right behind you,
And it won't take long.
So come, you coyotes
And howl at the moon,
Till there's blood upon the sawdust,
In The Last Chance Saloon.
(Three cowboys ride into the small Arizona mining town of Tombstone. Just off Main Street lies the OK Corral, as proclaimed by a large bullet-ridden sign above the entrance. One of the cowboys shoots at it.)
IKE: Now why for did you do a fool thing like that? Save your bullets for Holliday, boy.
BILLY: I ain't scared of Holliday!
PHINEAS: Hear that, Ike? Brother Billy ain't scared.
IKE: Nobody says you was scared, boy. Our brother Reuben, now he wasn't scared of him, but that didn't stop Holliday fillin' him full of holes!
PHINEAS: Where do we all meet up with Seth?
IKE: The Last Chance Saloon.
BILLY: What for do we need Seth Harper?
PHINEAS: Pa's paying him, and Pa wants us to work along with him.
IKE: Come on!
BALLAD: On your way then you cowboys,
The time will be soon,
When there's blood upon the sawdust
In the Last Chance Saloon.
[Livery stable]
(As the three Clanton brothers make their way back towards Main Street, the tall blue shape of a 1960s London police box, 80 years and 5000 miles out of place, materialises at the back of a cluttered livery stable to one side of the corral. The door opens and the Doctor comes out, holding a handkerchief to his mouth.)
STEVEN: What's the matter Doctor?
(Steven and Dodo follow him from the Tardis.)
DOCTOR: Oh, I've got the most ghastly toothache. It's paralysing pain.
STEVEN: it serves you right for eating that sweet. Well, aren't there any painkillers on the Tardis?
DODO: If there's anything I can get you?
DOCTOR: No, my dear, thank you, no. I shall have to have it out. We've got to find a dentist.
STEVEN: Where are we?
(Dodo spots the sign over the gate outside.)
STEVEN: It must be in the past sometime.
DOCTOR: Yes, you're very observant, dear boy, but where?
STEVEN: How would I know?
DODO: I know.
STEVEN: Where?
DOCTOR: Well, use your eyes, dear boy. Good heavens.
(Steven looks out of the stable door.)
STEVEN: Tombstone! The OK. Well, that sounds like
DODO: The Wild West!
STEVEN: It can't be, can it?
DOCTOR: Why not? Fat chance I've got of finding a dentist in the middle West part of
DODO: Yee-hoo!
DOCTOR: Oh please, must you?
STEVEN: Look, I've always wanted to be a cowboy, see what it was like in the Wild West.
DODO: Hey, they had cowgirls too, didn't they?
DOCTOR: Yes, yes, yes.
DODO: Ya-hoo!
DOCTOR: What about my tooth!
[Last Chance Saloon]
BALLAD: It's your last chance of cussing
At a gunfighter's doom,
It's your last chance of nothin'
At the Last Chance Saloon!
(Seth Harper is waiting at the bar. Played by Shane Rimmer, soon to be the voice of Scott Tracy.)
HARPER: You took your sweet time gettin' here Clanton. Well, Doc Holliday arrived here before noon!
IKE: Rode out as soon as ever I got your wire. Anyways, Holliday'll keep for a drink or three, I'd say.
BILLY: Sure enough will. Barman! A bottle and three more glasses. Fast!
IKE: You boys know this guy?
PHINEAS: Yeah, snake-eyes Harper.
HARPER: I don't like being called snake-eyes. Last fellow called me that got himself an extra hole in the head!
IKE: Sure, Seth, sure. We're friends, ain't we? Ain't we in this together?
HARPER: Well I'm in it. You're all together on the outside just lookin' in.
PHINEAS: Now that ain't so. We're backing you. You make your play and we gun 'im down. Easy as skinnin' summer fries.
BILLY: Yeah, that's it.
(The barman looks around anxiously as the four men take their bottle to a table.)
[Livery stable]
(Steven and Dodo reappear from the Tardis, this time dressed for the part. Steven with white stetson and fringed shirt is tripping over his spurs and attempting to twirl a pair of pearl-handled six-guns.)
DODO: How do we look?
(Dodo's Mexican ensemble is topped off with a black felt hat.)
DOCTOR: Oh, good gracious. Absolutely absurd.
DODO: Oh.
DOCTOR: Why you have to dress yourselves up like Tom Mix I can't imagine. You're asking for trouble. Why can't you wear inconspicuous clothes like I do?
DODO: Oh, what about me? Don't you like it?
DOCTOR: Oh, that hat is certainly wrong with it.
DODO: Oh, it's not supposed to be. That's for you.
DOCTOR: For me, my dear child? Oh, that's very thoughtful of you, thank you. Yes, at least it'll keep the rain off. Yes, it's most suitable. Ow!
STEVEN: Buffalo Bill to the lions.
DOCTOR: What was that?
STEVEN: Nothin' pardner! I was just a-practising mah quick-draw!
(Steven attempts a draw, but ends up dropping his gun.)
DOCTOR: Oh, do be careful, dear boy. And remember that belongs to my favourite collection!
STEVEN: Now see here, stranger. I reckon you don't know who I is! Deadeye Steve. The fastest, meanest gun in the West.
DODO: I think you're smashing.
(Someone shoots the gun out of Steven's hand.)
DOCTOR: Oh, what on Earth? Are you? And who might you be, sir?
WYATT: You wanna find out, try movin' fast! Now get over!
(The shooter is a tall mustachioed man with the silver star of a city Marshal pinned to his breast.)
DOCTOR: I don't know who you are or what right you have
WYATT: Marshall of Tombstone's my right and Wyatt Earp's my name.
DODO: Wyatt Earp!
WYATT: Oh, something wrong, ma'am?
DODO: Oh no, it's just that, well, I always wanted to meet you and here we are face to face.
WYATT: Well, the Lord sure do move in mysterious ways, ma'am. Now maybe you'll all come along to Sheriff's office?
STEVEN: What on Earth for?
WYATT: So as that you can identify yourself in decent law abiding manner.
STEVEN: Ah. No, you see, I'm, er, I'm not really a gunman. I was just
WYATT: Huh. You did kinda make that look obvious didn't ya, boy? That's why I'm doin' you a favour taking you on in.
STEVEN: Why?
WYATT: Cos of the Clantons are in town, and, boy, that's mighty unhealthy for a stranger that calls himself the fastest gun in town. Now pick up yer pea shooter and let's get movin.
[Last Chance Saloon]
BALLAD: Till there's blood on the sawdust
In the Last Chance Saloon.
(A buxom young woman enters, catching Billy's appreciative eye.)
IKE: It just ain't possible, against the four of us? He won't know what hit 'im. Hey, Billy? Billy!
(The youngest Clanton is leaning casually against the bar whilst the others sit at the table drinking whiskey and playing cards.)
BILLY: Yeah. Yeah, it'd be a real shame, I'd like for him to know. I'd like him to know us for Reuben's brothers.
HARPER: Look, you don't know Holliday. You want him to come lookin' for us, and you ain't even seen 'im? You're crazy.
PHINEAS: Well, where's he at now?
HARPER: How should I know where he's at? I just know he pulled in here this mornin'.
PHINEAS: Well, let's get this straight. You mean you don't know where Holliday? You never met Holliday either?
HARPER: Look, I don't have to meet 'im, I've seen pictures. I've had him described to me. Dapper little fellow with a black buck's back coat, gambler's fancy vest.
BILLY: So fine, so we'll know him when we find him. So, how do we find him?
HARPER: We don't have to find him. Ain't you heard o' Holliday's gamblin' n' drinkin'? Now where's the one place in town he's liable to get both?
IKE: Right here.
HARPER: Yeah. So we just sit here and wait for him, 'n that's all we gotta do.
(The woman, having helped herself to liquor, has been listening with interest. She turns to the barman.)
KATE: Hey, Charlie.
(Charlie is played by David Graham - Dalek voice and soon to be Virgil Tracy. Right now he's doing his Brains impersonation.)
KATE: I'll be right back.
CHARLIE: Why? You going'?
KATE: I just thought me of an errand I forgot.
CHARLIE: Well you'd better be right back, if you aim to keep on workin' here.
KATE: Why, of course, Charlie.
(Picking up her skirt, she swings through the doors.)
[Main Street]
BALLAD: With rings on their fingers
And bells on their toes
The girls come to Tombstone
In their high silk hose.
They'll dance on the tables
Or sing you a tune,
For whatever's in your wallet
At the Last Chance Saloon.
(At the top of the street, the town's new dentist is setting up shop.)
HOLLIDAY: Now you move that real easy, real easy. That's my operatin' chair. You treat her like she was your Monday bride. Why, Miss Kate, how are you?
KATE: Doc Holliday, I gotta talk to you.
HOLLIDAY: Hmm?
KATE: I thought you'd told me you'd given up gunplay like you'd promised.
HOLLIDAY: Why so I have Kate, and so I be going to. I got myself a dentist's shop, regular and permanent, here on Main Street and I am movin' in.
[Dentist's office]
KATE: Well you better just move right out again, cos four men are waitin' for you at the Last Chance this very moment.
HOLLIDAY: Yeah.
KATE: I'm plum worn out worryin' about you, Doc. All I want is to live peaceful.
HOLLIDAY: Hey, so do I, Kate. Who are these men anyway?
KATE: Well, there's a guy called Seth Harper.
HOLLIDAY: Yeah.
KATE: Then there's three brothers by the name of, er, Clanton.
HOLLIDAY: Clanton! You kill a guy out of sheer professional ethics, and then you've got three of his brothers chasin' after you to leave at once. That makes me real angry!
KATE: You're through with being angry, Doc. All you're gonna do is get outta town.
HOLLIDAY: Oh, that don't appeal, Kate. That don't come at all natural.
KATE: But Doc, it ain't safe for you here in Tombstone.
HOLLIDAY: The day I can't walk down Main Street in any city in the West on account it ain't safe, then I'll be dead.
KATE: Doc!
HOLLIDAY: I'll be dead.
KATE: Doc Holliday!
[Main Street]
HOLLIDAY: Kate Fisher, are you gonna be my lady wife?
KATE: Of course I am, Doc.
MASTERSON: Holliday!
(Holliday wanders down the road to meet the approaching figure.)
HOLLIDAY: Why, good afternoon, Mister Masterson. Good afternoon, Sheriff. I reckon you must be come to meet the stage crew.
MASTERSON: Never mind what I'm doing, Holliday. Just you stay out of trouble, that's all. I won't be givin' you no second warnin.
HOLLIDAY: Why it's like I was sayin' to you, Sheriff. I aim to be a respectable citizen now and you know I always run a clean game.
MASTERSON: Here on in, you ain't runnin' no game at all. Stay out of saloons, Holliday, and stay away from the poker table.
HOLLIDAY: Then I bid you good afternoon, Sheriff, and I hope I shall be having the pleasure of attending you shortly in my dental saloon. Are you accompanying me Miss Kathleen?
(The Sheriff is left standing and scratching his chin. He looks round as Wyatt Earp appears with the Doctor, Steven and Dodo.)
MASTERSON: So, you finally got back.
WYATT: Howdy, Bat. Everythin' quiet in town?
MASTERSON: Everything excepting that rattlesnake friend of yours Holliday blew in this mornin'. Who're your friends, Wyatt?
WYATT: Well I, er
DOCTOR: Oh, quite, quite so. Allow me, sir, to introduce Miss Dodo Dupont, wizard of the ivory keys, and er Steven Regret, tenor. And lastly sir, your humble servant Doctor Caligari.
MASTERSON: Doctor Who?
DOCTOR: Yes, quite right. I've just been satisfying the Sheriff here that we are a humble troupe of travelling players. Unfortunately, sir, at the moment between engagements.
MASTERSON: Well if I was you I'd keep a-travellin'. There ain't no theatre in Tombstone.
DOCTOR: Oh, is that so? Oh, well, that's no matter, no. You see my prime purpose for visiting your city, sir, was to avail myself the services of a dentist.
WYATT: A dentist?
DOCTOR: Yes.
WYATT: Well, then, Doc Holliday's your man.
WYATT: Where is the Doc, Bat?
MASTERSON: Opened his-self a surgery right along the Street. Walk thatta way, friend. You can't miss it.
DOCTOR: Oh, I'm vastly obliged to you, Sheriff. Come, fellow thespians! No doubt I shall be very glad to see you, meet you later on, Mister, Mister Werp.
WYATT: Well, Bat, with the Clantons and Holliday in town you'n me's headed for a load of trouble, boy.
MASTERSON: I reckon so.
BALLAD: On your way then, you lawmen,
The time will be soon,
When there's blood upon the sawdust
In the Last Chance Saloon.
(The Doctor, Steven and Dodo reach Holliday's shop, where a large hardwood molar hangs ostentatiously over the door.)
STEVEN: Look I don't know why you wanted to say it in the first place. Steven Regret? What kind of a name's that for a singer anyway?
DOCTOR: Oh, my dear young man, can't you sing a little?
STEVEN: Well yes, a little, but why say it at all?
DOCTOR: Well, I had to find some sort of suitable cover. After all, you can't walk into the middle of a Western town and say that you've come from outer space. Good gracious me, we'd all be arrested on a vagrancy charge.
STEVEN: And what about our little wizard of the keys? Miss Dupont, can you play?
DODO: I'll have a bash.
DOCTOR: There will be no necessity to have a bash, because tomorrow morning we're going to leave Tombstone and we should be back in the Tardis in for lunch. You know, I don't think that that is a very subtle form of advertising, do you? Yes, come to think of it, my dear, you know I think my toothache's better. Yes, I don't think it's going to be at all necessary
STEVEN: Come on, Doctor. Straight into the surgery. I'll go to the hotel and book the rooms.
DODO: Please, Doctor. You'll feel so much better afterwards.
DOCTOR: Oh, I only wish I shared your confidence, my dear. However, I suppose I'll meet you both back in the hotel lounge. Oh! There it goes again.
STEVEN: The hotel lounge? Where does he think we are? What's so funny?
DODO: I was just thinking, I hope he's not expecting an injection!
[Dentist's office]
(Holliday's shop appears deserted, but is at least clean and tidy. Yet the Doctor wanders around the primitive operating chair and eyes the basic equipment in dismay. He's about to leave but winces as his troublesome tooth throbs once more. At the sound of voices from the back room, the time traveller opens the connecting door to find a young woman sitting on the dentist's lap, the two engaged in a passionate embrace and obviously not expecting visitors.)
KATE: I gotta get me that
DOCTOR: I, er, forgive me, sir. I, er, I should have knocked.
HOLLIDAY: What's your business?
DOCTOR: Yes, well, er, the fact is I, er, I, have a toothache.
KATE: Ha ha! Well, glory be.
HOLLIDAY: What d'ya know?
KATE: D'you know you're our very first customer?
HOLLIDAY: Yeah!
DOCTOR: Oh, I see. Well, under the circumstances I think perhaps, er, yes, excuse me.
HOLLIDAY: Now, now, now, now, now, stranger. Just you sit right down in that chair.
KATE: Right along here, honey.
DOCTOR: Well, as a matter of fact, my dear sir
HOLLIDAY: Yeah, and as a matter of fact it don't do to delay dental treatment. Down you go. That's the philosophy of toothache. Now, you go in the back room, Kate.
KATE: Oh, can't I watch?
HOLLIDAY: Now you know you can't stand the sight of blood.
KATE: Oh, okay. But I'll be thinkin' of ya.
HOLLIDAY: She's a kind of a sensitive girl. Well now, what seems to be your trouble, sir?
DOCTOR: Well, I think it's at the back here somewhere.
HOLLIDAY: Let me look. Oh yeah, I see. Well now, if you'll just hold real still, I'll er
DOCTOR: Oh, just a minute, please. Haven't you any anaesthetic?
HOLLIDAY: What?
DOCTOR: Well er, something to sort of dull the pain, man.
HOLLIDAY: Well I could give you a rap on the cranium with this six shooter.
DOCTOR: Good gracious, certainly not!
HOLLIDAY: You're welcome to a slug o' rattlesnake oil!
DOCTOR: Oh, my dear man, I never touch alcohol.
HOLLIDAY: Well, I do.
DOCTOR: Well, I must say, this is most unprofessional. I do hope you know what you're doing.
HOLLIDAY: I never tolerated any complaints yet, in my whole life. Now then, you just open wide.
(Holliday reaches in to the Doctor's mouth with a large pair of forceps.)
BALLAD: It's your last chance of boozing,
Where there's no-one to mind.
It's your last chance of losing
And the first place you'll find.
[Last Chance Saloon]
CHARLIE: Sorry it's kinda quiet in here tonight, gentlemen. We, er, do reckon to have a singer only she's just stepped out a while down the
BILLY: Maybe it's too quiet for you, barman? Like us to liven it up a little for ya? How about a little fancy shootin', huh?
CHARLIE: I don't want any trouble.
BILLY: No trouble at all, friend.
(Billy takes aim at a row of bottles behind the counter, and fires.)
IKE: You gone clean out of your mind, boy? That ain't no way to behave. Siddown.
(Steven and Dodo enter.)
IKE: Oh, we got company.
PHINEAS: Well, lookie here, if it isn't Calamity Jane and Sam Bass.
(They head for the bar. There's no sign of the barman. Steven rings a small bell on the counter and Charlie's head pokes up from where he'd been cowering under the counter.)
CHARLIE: What'll it be, stranger?
STEVEN: Oh, nothing to drink, thanks. We just want to book three rooms.
CHARLIE: Three? For the two of you?
STEVEN: Oh, no, we got a friend joinin' us later.
CHARLIE: Oh, well, I'll have to ask you to sign the book here.
STEVEN: Sure.
CHARLIE: Just your names and occupations.
(He looks on with interest as Steven writes.)
CHARLIE: Say, are you really a piano player lady?
DODO: You're darn tootin' I am.
CHARLIE: And a singer too. Well, I'll be
STEVEN: Why, what's the matter?
CHARLIE: Well nothin' in the wide world, friend. I just might be able to offer you a job is all. I got no pianist on account he was shot last week, and I do have a singer, but she's always out someplace. Understand?
DODO: I think so.
STEVEN: Yeah, well, it's very kind of you, but we gotta leave town in the mornin'.
CHARLIE: Oh. Well, let me know if you change your mind. First floor, three, six and seven.
STEVEN: Why thanks. Come on Dodo.
DODO: Ah, but Steven
STEVEN: It's no good, Dodo. The Doctor would never forgive me if anything happened to you.
HARPER: You all hear what I heard?
DODO: Ah well. Hey, what about his key?
STEVEN: Oh, that's a point, yes. Leave it downstairs for him, okay?
(The cowboys are suddenly taking an interest. Steven heads upstairs while Dodo returns to the bar.)
DODO: Give this to our friend the Doctor with my compliments.
CHARLIE: Sure, ma'am.
(She follows Steven upstairs.)
IKE: So Holliday ain't travelling alone this time.
BILLY: Gimme that book.
(Billy snatches the visitors book from the bar.)
CHARLIE: Now see here!
BILLY: Steven Regret. Now any of you boys ever see a singer carry six guns afore?
PHINEAS: So Holliday has got hisself a partner!
IKE: Harper, are you sure Holliday don't know we're lookin' for him?
HARPER: How could he? I ain't spread it about.
IKE: I dunno, but when he comes to collect his key I'll sure have me an itchy feelin' in mah back thinkin' of his friend Regret comin' down those stairs behind me. Phin, go up and fetch him down.
PHINEAS: What'll I say?
IKE: Anything, only keep it friendly.
PHINEAS: You're the boss.
IKE: And Harper, You take a walk down main street and see if you can find Holliday. I'm gettin' tired of just sittin' here waitin'.
[Dentist's office]
HOLLIDAY: My, my, what a fine piece of ivory. You know, I think I'll give that to Kate for a souvenir.
DOCTOR: I don't care what you do with it, my good man, only get it out of my sight.
HOLLIDAY: Yeah.
DOCTOR: What do I owe you?
HOLLIDAY: Oh, you don't owe me nothing, Mister. You're my first customer. You have this one on the house. Hey, you look here at this little
(Holliday goes into the back room.)
DOCTOR: Oh! Good thing I didn't have to have my tonsils out.
BALLAD: When there's blood upon the sawdust
In the Last Chance Saloon.
(From the street outside, Seth Harper peers through the window and sees an elderly but dapper figure in black box-back coat and fancy vest.)
HARPER: Doc!
DOCTOR: What? Yes, yes, what is it?
HARPER: Holliday!
DOCTOR: Holiday? Yes, I suppose so. Yes, you could call it that.
HARPER: My name's Harper, Seth Harper.
DOCTOR: Oh, well, I'm very glad to know you Mister Harper. Yes, I suppose you've brought a message from my friends.
HARPER: Well, a kind of a message, Doc. The boys are waitin' for you at the saloon. They'd sure like to buy you a drink.
DOCTOR: Oh, well, that's very sociable of them, but unfortunately I don't touch alcohol.
HARPER: That's not what I heard, Doc, but we'll play it your way.
(Holliday and Kate are listening from the back room.)
HARPER: Look, we'll give you five minutes, and if you ain't there we'll come looking for you, okay?
(Seth leaves.)
KATE: Now, Doc.
HOLLIDAY: Nah, nah, nah, nah.
DOCTOR: That's a very charming man, that man Mister Harper. Did you hear what he said?
HOLLIDAY: Yeah, that's just Western hospitality, you know. But if you'll forgive my saying so, you ain't dressed right for a party.
DOCTOR: Oh, my dear man, I fail to see that my clothes have
HOLLIDAY: Ah now, it ain't exactly your clothes.
DOCTOR: Well, what is it then?
HOLLIDAY: You ain't wearin' a gun.
DOCTOR: Well, I should hope not. I certainly disapprove of violence.
HOLLIDAY: Now you can borrow mine.
DOCTOR: No, no, no, no, no.
HOLLIDAY: Now, come along here. You just stand up here. Now you put the holster on him.
DOCTOR: I insist.
HOLLIDAY: Now my gun here has my name printed on it, from way down Alabama, where my father was a Colonel in the army. So you can return that to me when you leave Tombstone, which no doubt you will. Now, there you are sir.
(The Doctor waves the gun about nervously.)
HOLLIDAY: You put that in the holster. Fetch the gentleman's hat, Kate.
KATE: Here we are!
HOLLIDAY: There now, ain't he smart? Ain't 'e though!
KATE: Swell, cute.
HOLLIDAY: Let's just come along to your party, you come along to your party.
DOCTOR: Thank you, thank you. I don't know how I shall ever repay you.
HOLLIDAY: You'll find a way to repay me. Goodbye, and good luck.
DOCTOR: What?
HOLLIDAY: Goodbye and good luck.
DOCTOR: Oh, yes, indeed, yes. thank you. And the same to you and many of them. Yes, thank you. Goodbye for the moment.
HOLLIDAY: It sure seems a pity he bothered to have that tooth out.
[Last Chance Saloon]
HARPER: Okay, Clanton, I found Holliday. He'll be here in about five minutes.
IKE: Great.
PHINEAS: Now then, Mister Regret, you and the little lady step right down to the piano and give us a song.
STEVEN: Ah, yeah, well, the thing is we're kind of a little bit out of practice, y'know. It's
BILLY: So here's your chance to warm up a little.
DODO: Hey, couldn't we rehearse on our own first?
STEVEN: Yeah.
IKE: How about that. They wanna be alone. You'll sing here, now and fast.
STEVEN: Well, why?
(The men draw their guns.)
IKE: On account of we're all music lovers.
(There's a bang. Dodo screams.)
BALLAD: When there's blood upon the sawdust
In the Last Chance Saloon!
[Main street]
(The Doctor is ambling along, Holliday's gun resting uncomfortably against his hip.)
[Last Chance Saloon]
BILLY: You don't need guns to sing, Mister Regret. I'll hold 'em for you.
STEVEN: Hey, now come on, what do you
PHINEAS: Shut up and sing, friend.
STEVEN: You wait till I see the Doctor. He got us into this.
IKE: What's the trouble?
STEVEN: Nothin', we just choosin' a song.
DODO: Here's one.
STEVEN: Let's hope the piano knows it.
DODO: The Ballad of the Last Chance Saloon.
STEVEN: Play, maestro!
IKE: Hold it. Boys, watch the door. And when Holliday comes through there, blast him. Okay!
(Dodo plays the piano and Steven sings.)
STEVEN: With rings on their fingers
And bells on their toes
The girls come to Tombstone
In their high silk hose.
They'll dance on the tables
Or give you a tune,
For whatever's in your wallet
At the Last Chance Saloon.
It's your last chance of givin',
It's your last chance of rye,
It's your last chance at livin'
And your last chance to die.
It's your last chance of boozing,
Where there's no one to mind.
It's your last chance of losing
And the first place you find.
Four days ride from the station
And you're leaving at noon
And your one consolation
Is the Last Chance Saloon.
Episode Two - Don't Shoot the Pianist
[Dentist's office]
HOLLIDAY: Well, Katie, my girl, five minutes should see the end of the man the Clantons think is Doc Holliday, and then I can start trading again under another name. What name would you fancy, Kate? Kate?
(He goes into the back room. Kate has gone but she has left a note.)
HOLLIDAY: Gone back to the Last Chance Saloon.
(He pulls a tiny Derringer pistol from his breast pocket.)
HOLLIDAY: Why must women meddle?
[Last Chance Saloon]
STEVEN: With rings on their fingers and bells on. Look, fellas, please. Come on, please. I've sung this song four times already!
PHINEAS: Well then, sing it again!
BILLY: I said sing it!
STEVEN: Look, couldn't we try a different song?
PHINEAS: Once more then!
STEVEN: The same one. Is the Last Chance Saloon.
It's your last chance of givin',
It's your last chance of rye.
It's your last chance of livin',
KATE: Now what's going on here? Okay now, boys, put them guns away. Now, Charlie, got yerself a new singer maybe?
CHARLIE: Why, why no, Kate, it's just that these gentleman
KATE: Now Charlie, am I singin' here or ain't I?
CHARLIE: Why surely are, Kate.
KATE: Then, get that guy away from my piana' before we need a new barkeep real sudden.
CHARLIE: You heard what she said, I reckon you'd better.
STEVEN: Now go on, Dodo. Get upstairs and lock your door.
DODO: Oh, but I was enjoying playing.
KATE: Don't argue, kid. Vamoose.
DODO: Oh well, if that's the way you feel. Are you coming Steven?
STEVEN: Yes.
PHINEAS: Uh-oh.
KATE: Now hold on. Stay right there, Mister. This time you play piana'.
STEVEN: Me? But
KATE: Yeah. Let's take it from the top again, double tempo.
DODO: Well, thank you and goodnight!
STEVEN: Dodo!
DODO: Oh, it's quite all right, Steven. Don't mind me. Just have a good time with your new friends!
(She storms up to her room.)
KATE: Well, now, perhaps we can get a little action around here.
GANG: Yeah.
KATE: Okay Mister, make with the piana'.
HARPER: Make with the piana'.
KATE: So fill up your glasses and join in the song,
The law's right behind you and it won't take long.
So come you coyotes and howl at the moon,
Till there's blood upon the sawdust in the Last Chance Saloon.
You've a good chance at swingin',
It's your last chance to hide.
It's your last chance at singin'
Till your long last ride.
It's your last chance of cussing
At your hard-earned doom,
It's your last chance of nothing.
It's the Last Chance Saloon!
(Distracted by Kate's performance, the cowboys do not notice the Doctor as he enters the saloon from the street and joins in the applause.)
DOCTOR: Well played, Steven, my boy. Well played. Yes, and you too, my dear. Excellent. I'd really no idea.
STEVEN: Oh, thank you Doctor. Neither had I.
HARPER: Well, if it ain't the great Doc!
DOCTOR: Oh, you flatter me, young man. Yes, reasonably accomplished I would say, but not great.
HARPER: You can say that again.
DOCTOR: Oh, really? Why? Oh, yes, of course. We met a little while ago down at the dentist. Yes, and you so very kindly invited me to join you and your friends for a drink!
HARPER: And a little talk, Doc.
DOCTOR: Yes, quite so, quite so. Well, I'm afraid I don't touch alcohol, but a little glass of milk and I should be only too delighted. Won't you, er, introduce me?
HARPER: Yeah, yeah, give me a pleasure. Doc, I would like you to meet the Clanton brothers.
DOCTOR: The Clanton brothers. Oh dear. I mean, er, how d'you do?
IKE: Recognise the name, Doc?
DOCTOR: Oh yes I do, indeed, yes. Steven, don't you think it's time we were going?
IKE: Not just yet, Doc. We haven't had our little talk about brother Reuben. The late brother Reuben.
DOCTOR: Oh yes, I know. Yes, sometimes after a bereavement it's very difficult to find exactly the right kind of words.
IKE: The right words?
HARPER: Easy. You see, Doc, the boys don't want words. They want action.
DOCTOR: Oh indeed. Yes, yes, yes. Well, if you take my advice, I would leave it in the hands of the right people.
IKE: And the right people happen be your friend Wyatt Earp?
DOCTOR: Er, he's not my friend, no. I would rather call him a casual travelling acquaintance.
PHINEAS: Well that ain't the way I heard it.
HARPER: Nor me.
IKE: Nor me. We heard that you and him were closer than fleas on a porcupine.
BILLY: Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday. The bottle-puncher lawman and the good-for-nothing drunken gambler.
IKE: Steady, boy. Let Seth handle this.
DOCTOR: Wait a moment. I think I can begin to see your mistake.
HARPER: It's your mistake that we're interested in, Doc.
DOCTOR: But I am not the Doc. The man you're looking for is the local dentist. Yes! He has a little shop here, along the street.
HARPER: It seems to me that's where I found you.
DOCTOR: Yes, well, I can explain that. You see
HARPER: And your gun's got his brand on it.
DOCTOR: Er, well, yes, as a matter of fact he lent it to me because er, because er
IKE: Because what, Doc?
DOCTOR: Er, well, just until I leave the town, as it were.
HARPER: You ain't leavin' Doc.
PHINEAS + IKE: Live, that is.
DOCTOR: Excuse me, gentlemen, gentlemen, you must have made a horrible mistake. Steven, my boy
PHINEAS: One word out of your friend Regret here and he gets his.
KATE: Aw for Pete's sake, Doc, tell 'em you're Holliday! You can take on all four of 'em any time.
DOCTOR: Yes, I'm sorry, gentleman, but this is Holliday's young girlfriend, and she's only lying to protect him. Now, as I've already told you about this gun.
(Seth's revolver is shot from his hand and he clutches his wrist in pain. Nobody is more surprised than the Doctor who was merely waving the gun by way of explanation. But Kate is quick to take advantage of the confusion and produces her own weapon.)
KATE: Okay, don't try it, fellas. Nice shooting, Doc, but ya should have got him between the eyes.
DOCTOR: Between the who?
KATE: The eyes.
DOCTOR: Oh, my dear young lady, I, I, I, I
KATE: Kill the next one that moves.
DOCTOR: Yes, yes, quite so, quite so. Very good idea. Excellent. Well, you heard. Steven, get their guns!
(At the top of the stairs, Doc Holliday, who had quietly entered the building by an upstairs window, is tucking his pistol back into his pocket when Dodo appears behind him.)
DODO: I thought I heard a shot.
HOLLIDAY: Quiet! Now you just get right back to your room, missy.
(None of this is noticed by those in the bar below.)
DOCTOR: How do we proceed?
KATE: Line 'em up against the piana'.
DOCTOR: Yes, excellent idea. Well, gentlemen you will move over in an orderly fashion. You too.
(Steven aides the Doctor by gesturing with his own gun in the general direction of the piano, before accidentally firing it at the ceiling.)
STEVEN: Hey!
IKE: You won't get away with this, Holliday!
DOCTOR: I keep telling you I'm not Holliday. Well, what do we do now?
KATE: Well, Doc, I reckon that's up to you now.
HARPER: You should have killed me when you had the chance, Doc, because you're gonna pay for this.
DOCTOR: Indeed, indeed, And may I point out that I still have the chance, sir?
HARPER: Well I don't have no gun.
DOCTOR: Exactly! That's the whole point isn't it?
PHINEAS: Am I hearin' right?
BILLY: If you ain't the lowest, meanest sidewinder
(Wyatt Earp and Bat Masterson enter the saloon.)
WYATT: Howdy, sinners! Happen you're holding a prayer meeting? Why, I'd be proud to join you.
DOCTOR: My dear Marshall, I'm so glad to see you. You know, I was trying to explain to them
MASTERSON: Looks like you was explaining? Hand over yer gun.
DOCTOR: Well!
MASTERSON: Wyatt and I handle that kind of explaining around here. Just easy down, everybody. You too, Kate.
WYATT: Now who did what?
GANG: Holliday did it!
HARPER: We was just having ourselves a friendly discussion.
IKE: Before we could say a word he had us lined up here like a row
PHINEAS: Yeah, he shot us all down in cold blood.
STEVEN: Don't you listen to 'em, Marshall. I saw the whole thing, and it was these guys.
WYATT: Oh sure, sure, boy. Sure, it must of been quite a sight. Now, Doc.
MASTERSON: Now wait a minute, Wyatt, this guy ain't. Have you gone mad? Doc Holliday's.
WYATT: Oh, be quiet, Bat. I reckon I can figure clear enough what must have happened. I'm sorry, friend, I'm gonna have to take you in. You're under arrest, pop.
DOCTOR: Under arrest? And don't you call me pop. You know very well who I am, sir!
WYATT: I surely do, old friend.
(Unnoticed, Kate slips quietly upstairs.)
DOCTOR: I want to see my solicitor.
WYATT: A what? Huh. A night in the Jailhouse is just about what you need.
DOCTOR: Oh, very well, but I promise you, you will regret this, sir.
MASTERSON: All I hope is you know what you're doin', Wyatt.
WYATT: Oh, I reckon I do. Well, goodnight sinners. I'm sorry your stay in our fair, law abidin' city has been so, er, rudely disturbed.
PHINEAS: Well, if that don't beat all.
IKE: That figures. He couldn't take us in until he'd got the Doc out of trouble like always.
BILLY: Yeah. Hey, what about him?
(They all turn to face Steven.)
IKE: Yeah, what about him?
(Weapons drawn, the cowboys advance. Steven backs away fearfully.)
[Dodo's room]
(Dodo is a prisoner in her own room.)
DODO: How long are you proposing to keep me here?
HOLLIDAY: Hardly no time at all, ma'am. Just relax.
(There is a knock at the door.)
HOLLIDAY: Oh, Kate.
KATE: So that's where you're hidin', Doc Holliday.
DODO: Doc Holliday?
KATE: What's she doin here?
HOLLIDAY: Ah, she saw me fire the gun.
KATE: Yeah, I guessed that was you. That's why I come a lookin'. You shoulda killed the little rat.
HOLLIDAY: That thought did occur to me, but I reckoned that in the ensuing fracas you might get hurt as well as the old guy.
KATE: Sure. Real soft-hearted, ain't ya?
DODO: Look, which old guy are you talking about?
KATE: Oh, a real nice old guy, lady. He came in to get a tooth fixed.
DODO: That must have been the Doctor. What happened to him?
HOLLIDAY: Wyatt Earp's arrested him.
DODO: Arrested?
HOLLIDAY: Now why would Wyatt do a thing like that?
KATE: Because Wyatt let them go on thinkin' the old guy was you, that's why.
HOLLIDAY: Oh, yeah.
DODO: I must go to the Doctor. You've got to let me out of here.
HOLLIDAY: If he's in the hands of Wyatt Earp he could not be safer. Now then ladies, why don't all let's settle down to a nice game of chance?
(He produces a pack of cards and laughs.)
[Sheriff's office]
(The Doctor is behind bars.)
MASTERSON: Now, how come you got a hold of Holliday's gun?
DOCTOR: I have already told you, my dear Sheriff. He lent it to me.
MASTERSON: And why would Holliday do a fool thing like that?
WYATT: Because he knew the Clantons was a-laying for him.
DOCTOR: Yes, a most unscrupulous man.
WYATT: Yeah, I think I'll go find him.
DOCTOR: Ah, but I insist on coming with you.
WYATT: Now you'll stay right where you are. Why, you've got four of the meanest characters in the territory believing you're Doc Holliday.
(The Doctor sits down dejectedly.)
WYATT: You take one step outside of this jail, friend, and you're a dead man.
BALLAD: You've a good chance of dyin',
It's your last chance to hide.
There won't be no flyin'
Till your last, long ride.
[Last Chance Saloon]
STEVEN: Now I don't care what Wyatt Earp said. That man's not Doc Holliday.
HARPER: Well he sure enough shoots like Doc Holliday.
STEVEN: He never fired that shot. They've got no right to arrest him. He's done nothing wrong.
BILLY: You planning to get him out of jail?
(They all laugh out loud.)
STEVEN: What's so funny about that? I gotta get him out.
PHINEAS: All you gotta do is gun down Earp and Bat Masterson. You all set to try that?
STEVEN: No, of course not, but. Well, I know if I can get him out of jail I can prove who he really is.
IKE: Now wouldn't that be somethin'. Boys, what d'ya say we give Mister Regret here a hand?
HARPER: Yeah!
[Dodo's room]
Kate and Holliday are playing cards while Dodo sits thoughtfully.)
BALLAD: There's gamblers from Denver,
There's guns from the South,
And many a Cowboy
With a dry dry mouth.
There's a ragtime piana'
And a small back room,
For to sleep off your troubles
In the Last Chance Saloon.
KATE: Okay, Doc, so you cleaned me out again.
HOLLIDAY: I'm thirsty. Kate, take a look down in the bar. See if we've still got company.
KATE: Now, Doc.
HOLLIDAY: Take a look, I say!
(Kate looks out.)
HOLLIDAY: I'm sorry to speak sharp, Missy, but I'm gettin' to feel almost as caged up here as you are.
KATE: They're still there, still drinkin'.
HOLLIDAY: Oh well, I think maybe I'll take a little walk.
KATE: Oh now Doc, you promised there'd be no more trouble.
HOLLIDAY: Now you wouldn't want me to die of thirst, would you?
KATE: Oh well now, if that's all that's troublin' you. You left a bottle back in your office. Why don't ya just crawl back there and get it?
HOLLIDAY: Now that's all a man needs. A real gentle, understandin' woman. I'll be back just as soon as you've finished breaking up my character.
(Holliday leaves.)
KATE: Ain't it wonderful, honey, what a man'll do for what he truly believes in. (Dodo smiles.)
[Dentist's office]
(Night has fallen. Holliday lets himself into his shop and lights an oil lamp.)
HOLLIDAY: Now where in thunder did I put that bottle?
WYATT: Right behind you, Doc.
(Holliday spins round.)
HOLLIDAY: Well that ain't friendly, Wyatt. That ain't friendly at all.
WYATT: Maybe not. I can't say as how I feel particular well disposed towards you right now.
(Earp reaches into Holliday's breast pocket and fumbles for the Derringer.)
HOLLIDAY: You're gettin' clumsy. Do you mind if I turn this lamp up a little? Make sure you haven't got a whole posse with you? Well now, what do you want?
WYATT: Only thing I want from you Doc is to get outta town.
HOLLIDAY: Now where did I put that whiskey? Why the hell should I get outta town? I ain't done nothing agin' the law.
WYATT: Not yet, you ain't. But when the Clantons finally wise up, why, there's gonna be shootin', Doc. And, I can't keep that old guy locked up in jail forever, you know.
HOLLIDAY: Er, that's my dentist's chair. That's dangerous, Wyatt. How long can you keep him then?
WYATT: Well, I'll release him as soon as I've told 'em the truth about you. Tomorrow morning. Now, you can ride out tonight and get yerself a head-start.
HOLLIDAY: But I only just hit town. I only just set up this business.
WYATT: Well, it'll be here when you get back. I mean, don't worry. This is just till this thing blows over.
HOLLIDAY: Would you mind tellin' me what this is all about?
WYATT: Yeah. Old Pa Clanton and his boys are running the biggest rustling operation this territory's ever seen. Pretty soon they'll be takin' over the whole of Tombstone unless something's done to stop 'em.
HOLLIDAY: Well, why don't you stop 'em then?
WYATT: Well Bat 'n me can't handle it alone. We'll stop 'em soon as my brothers get here.
HOLLIDAY: Oh, looks like you could use an extra hand.
WYATT: Well, later maybe. But in the meantime Doc, just ride out.
HOLLIDAY: Wyatt. Have you been drinking my whiskey?
(Doc holds up the half empty bottle and Wyatt swaps it for the Derringer.)
WYATT: Ride out, Doc.
(Earp leaves, and Holliday stares sadly after him.)
HOLLIDAY: Else you'll be gunnin' for me come sun-up.
[Last Chance Saloon]:
IKE: So this is the way we'll play it, Regret. You take this gun over to the jailhouse and slip it through the cell window to Holliday.
BILLY: And he says, 'open the door or I'll shoot.'
STEVEN: Ah-ha. And where do you guys come in?
IKE: Well, we wait outside the jailhouse in case anything goes wrong.
HARPER: Yeah.
PHINEAS: Yeah, so's we can prevent a mis C C Miscarriage of justice.
BILLY: To welcome him back to society.
STEVEN: Oh. Not to gun him down?
IKE: Why would we do a thing like that? You say he ain't Holliday. Okay, he's got nothin' to fear. What do ya say?
STEVEN: It sounds like a pretty foolproof idea.
HARPER: Well, it sure is because you know come mornin' they're gonna ship him outta there.
IKE: Yeah, up to the County jail.
STEVEN: And what happens after I give him this?
PHINEAS: You come back here, and then we take over.
HARPER: We take over.
IKE: Yeah.
STEVEN: Yeah, I got the picture. Okay, I'll see ya in twenty minutes.
IKE: Okay, right.
HARPER: There's one born every minute!
IKE: Hold it boys. I don't think he believed us. Phin', you follow him and make certain him and his friend Holiday don't run away.
PHINEAS: Okay.
IKE: And Billy, you get the rope.
BILLY: Yeah.
[Dodo's room]
(Dodo is helping Kate with her hair.)
BALLAD: With rings on their fingers
And bells on their toes,
The girls come to Tombstone
In their high silk hose.
DODO: You really going to marry him?
KATE: Surely am. Though over how many dead bodies I don't rightly know.
DODO: But he's an outlaw.
KATE: Aw honey, I've known them all in my time. Jesse James, Billy the kid, Johnny Ringo. And I'm tellin' you the Doc's the best of the bunch. He's a real gentleman. Just been a mite unlucky, is all.
DODO: In what way?
KATE: Oh, was on the run, leastways till he met up with Wyatt Earp. Since then he's usually managed to keep right side of the law. That's why for the first time I guess he's gonna settle down.
HOLLIDAY: Kate, seems you and I have to leave town before mornin', so go get packed.
KATE: Oh, but Doc, why?
HOLLIDAY: Wyatt Earp is gunnin' for me, and you know that in my whole life I never killed a friend.
KATE: Ah, you're a real gentleman.
HOLLIDAY: Go get packed.
KATE: Didn't I tell ya, honey?
[Sheriff's office]
BALLAD: You've a good chance of dying,
It's your last chance to hide;
There won't be no flyin'
'Til your last, long ride.
(In his cell, the Doctor is finding grim amusement by reading through a selection of wanted posters, with their grainy portraits of assorted outlaws. There's a knocking at the window.)
STEVEN: Doctor!
DOCTOR: Hmm?
STEVEN: Doctor!
DOCTOR: Oh, Steven, my boy. Good gracious. I've been so worried about you. How's Dodo?
STEVEN: She's fine. She's locked in her hotel room quite safe. Look, I've brought you this.
DOCTOR: What on Earth for?
STEVEN: Use it to bluff your way out. The Clanton gang still think that you're Doc Holliday. I'll be waiting for you outside. We must get back to the Tardis.
DOCTOR: Yes, but my dear boy, I
STEVEN: Look, there's not time to argue, Doctor. We've only got ten minutes. Now good luck.
DOCTOR: But Steven! Oh, confound the boy.
(The Doctor steps down from the window.)
DOCTOR: Ten minutes.
(He twirls the gun in his hand.)
DOCTOR: Ten minutes. Mister Werp? Oh, er, Mister Werp. I say, can you do that?
WYATT: Nope. And I wouldn't try it if I were you.
DOCTOR: I have no intention of trying anything, only people keep giving me guns and do I wish they wouldn't. I wonder, would you mind looking after it for me?
WYATT: My pleasure. And, er, who gave it to you?
DOCTOR: Oh er, that young friend of mine, you know, Steven. A rather impetuous sort of lad. He said to meet him outside in ten minutes time.
WYATT: Oh did he? Well I must go and have a word with him.
DOCTOR: Oh yes I wish you would. And would you kindly explain to him that I'm quite happy where I am for the moment?
[Last Chance Saloon]
(Ike Clanton is rousing the rabble.)
IKE: And I say Holliday's the meanest man that's ever polluted the fair name of the West!
GANG: Yeah!
IKE: And while he's around there's gonna be nothing but trouble an' bloodshed!
GANG: Yeah!
IKE: And the law, the law says maybe he'll do a spell in jail. Well, are we going to let Wyatt Earp get away with that?
GANG: No!
IKE: Then I say let's go over to the jailhouse, get him out and string him up from the nearest tree!
GANG: Yeah!
(Steven returns to the bar with Phineas.)
IKE: Did he do what we said, Phin?
PHINEAS: Yeah. Mister Regret didn't seem too keen on seein' us again. Caught him goin' away from the Saloon.
IKE: That was mighty unwise of you, Mister. Okay boys, rope him!
STEVEN: Come on, now, what's the idea?
IKE: Our idea is, friend, that if Holliday don't bust out of jail we got us a hostage. He's gotta get out to stop you swingin' in his place. Come on. Let's go! (The Clantons drag Steven into the street. Seth Harper remains behind, swigging cheerfully from the neck of a bottle.)
[Dodo's room]
(Kate has changed, and returns with a bag.)
KATE: Okay Doc, I'm ready. Let's get going.
DODO: What about me?
HOLLIDAY: Don't you worry, honey, I'll be returning you to your friends in the jailhouse before we leave.
KATE: Hey Doc, take a look out here.
HOLLIDAY: Yeah?
(Holliday and Dodo join Kate at the window. Dodo's appalled as Steven goes by, tied up and strapped to the saddle of a horse.)
DODO: They've got Steven!
(Holliday is more concerned that his shop appears to have been ransacked.)
HOLLIDAY: They got my operating chair! Wait here!
KATE: Hey, Doc, come back here!
[Last Chance Saloon]
(Seth is still drinking at the bar.)
KATE: Doc, you can't do nothin' now. Doc!
HARPER: Just hold on there, friend.
(He moves forward to confront the figure coming down the stairs.)
HARPER: Hey, are you Doc Holliday?
HOLLIDAY: That is my name.
(Harper draws but Holliday is quicker. There's a gunshot and Kate screams. Seth falls at the feet of Charlie the barman.)
KATE: Now you've done it.
HOLLIDAY: And aim to continue.
CHARLIE: If you're Doc Holliday, I wouldn't go out there. The whole town's out to lynch you.
HOLLIDAY: Yeah, I reckon he's right. Er, we'd better get outta town. You saddle a couple of horses, Kate. No, make it three.
DODO: Three?
HOLLIDAY: You'll have to come with us, Missy.
DODO: But what about my friends?
HOLLIDAY: They're safe with Wyatt. I can't take on the whole town on my own.
DODO: But you promised to take me back to them.
HOLLIDAY: Our only hope is to get outta here alive. Now will you get on!
DODO: Ow!
[Sheriff's office]
(From the door, Sheriff Masterson watches the ugly scene developing in the street outside.)
MASTERSON: Better come over here Wyatt. When was you gonna break outta jail?
DOCTOR: About now, Marshall.
(The Doctor lets himself out of his cell.)
WYATT: Well, lookie here, friend. Somebody's fixin' up a reception for ya.
DOCTOR: What?
(He joins Earp and Masterson at the door.)
DOCTOR: Good gracious! And Steven's with them!
PHINEAS: String 'im up!
(The horses pull to a halt under a tree, and Steven is dragged from the saddle. Wyatt looks bullish as Ike Clanton steps to the front of the crowd.)
IKE: Holliday, you still in there?
WYATT: Get out of the street, Clanton. Holliday's my prisoner.
IKE: Well that's too bad, 'cause if he's ain't out of there in two minutes his friend Regret here is gonna swing in his place.
GANG: Yeah!
BALLAD: You've a good chance of swingin',
It's your last chance to hide.
And your last chance at singin'
Till your last long ride.
Episode Three - Johnny Ringo
[Sheriff's office]
IKE: Holliday, you still in there?
WYATT: Send your men home, Clanton. Holliday's my prisoner.
IKE: Only as long as he wants to be, I reckon. What do you say, Doc? You gonna let your partner die for something you done?
STEVEN: Look, stay where you are, Doctor. They're bluffing.
PHINEAS: If you believe that, boy, you're gonna be powerful surprised in a few minutes!
DOCTOR: I really think I must go out there.
WYATT: Appreciate yer feelings, Doc, but I can't let ya.
DOCTOR: But I might be able to convince them that I'm not Doc Holliday! I can't just sit here and allow them to hang Steven!
WYATT: Keep 'em talkin' Bat. I'm gonna try and work round behind 'em.
MASTERSON: Right.
DOCTOR: But what can I do?
WYATT: You can stay out of sight. Lay 'im out, Bat, if he tries anythin'.
DOCTOR: Oh, this is insufferable.
MASTERSON: Hey, you heard what Wyatt said. Now just shut up and be quiet.
DOCTOR: Very well, under protest.
(Wyatt Earp exits by the back door)
IKE: Time's about up, Holliday. You comin' out?
MASTERSON: You're asking for it, Clanton. Time's about run out for you too, I reckon.
BILLY: Don't look that way to me. Not from where I'm standing.
MASTERSON: Where you're standing, boy, is right in line of fire of my shotgun. I'd keep real quite if'n I was you.
BILLY: Why, you
MASTERSON: Go on, draw, Billy. I'd like that fine.
IKE: Hold it, Billy. Play it like we planned. Holliday! Ain't you even going to come out and tell your old friend goodbye?
DOCTOR: Oh, dear, dear. What on Earth is Mister Werp doing? He's leaving things too late!
MASTERSON: Never been known to do that, Mister.
DOCTOR: He's no right to take chances with Steven's life! Those men mean what they say.
MASTERSON: If they didn't do you think Wyatt'd be risking his neck out there?
DOCTOR: He's not risking his neck. Now I really must go out there.
MASTERSON: Yeah, well, I know how you feel friend, but if you don' quit hoppin' about like a jackrabbit I'm gonna have to lay you out so cold you'll freeze!
DOCTOR: Oh, poo.
[Main Street]
IKE: Okay, men. String him up.
(Wyatt creeps up slowly behind Phineas.)
PHINEAS: Reckon if you was going to have a chance I suggest you choose your friends better in future.
(Thud. Phineas is laid out cold with a single blow from the handle of the Marshall's revolver. The crowd is caught between the Marshall on one side and the Sheriff on the other.
MASTERSON: First one that moves gets it. You gonna be first, Billy?
(Earp removes the noose from Steven's neck.
BILLY: You're wearing a badge, Marshall. If'n you weren't
[Sheriff's office]
MASTERSON: Yeah, and if you didn't happen to be caught in the crossfire, Billy.
IKE: You 'ave all gotta get outta there sometime, And when you do
MASTERSON: Go on home! Necktie party's over!
[Main Street]
WYATT: Go on, get off the street all of ya!
(Wyatt covers Ike with his gun.)
WYATT: All's have to do is talk big and look foolish, Clanton, now get off the street.
BILLY: Not without Phin.
WYATT: He ain't available right now.
BILLY: Meanin'?
WYATT: He's under arrest.
BILLY: You've got no right, Marshall!
WYATT: Attempted hangin'? I'd say I'd every right.
(A dishevelled figure approaches from the saloon.)
CHARLIE: Mister Clanton! Mister Clanton!
WYATT: Stay outta this, Charlie.
CHARLIE: Mister Clanton, that ain't Doc Holliday that's being held in there.
WYATT: I said stay outta this, Charlie.
CHARLIE: It's like the old guy kept tryin' to tell ya. I'm sorry, Mister Earp, but I figure'd to save you all a deal a trouble.
IKE: What makes you think it ain't him?
CHARLIE: Well on account of Doc Holliday just bein' in the bar.
BILLY: What? You're drunk!
(Wyatt looks at Steven.)
WYATT: Boy, that's all we needed.
CHARLIE: If'n I'm drunk, your friend Seth Harper's still alive. Which he ain't.
IKE: What's that you say?
CHARLIE: Holliday shot 'im clean as a whistle. Fastest thing I ever saw.
BILLY: If'n you're lyin', Charlie, so help me God.
CHARLIE: Why should I lie, Mister Clanton? I just want to stop you boys gettin' up against the law over nothin'.
BILLY: You knew that old guy in there weren't Holliday!
IKE: This just about does it, Earp.
WYATT: Try callin' me Marshall, and rememberin' it too.
IKE: Well, Marshall, you got an answer?
WYATT: I don't need to answer to you, I'll answer to the committee if need be. Now get back to the ranch while you can still ride.
BILLY: I don't take no orders from you.
IKE: Leave it, Billy. Earp won't be givin' any orders when Pa gets through with him. He'll lose that star so fast it'll burn a hole in his coat. Come on, Billy.
BILLY: We'll be seein' ya, Earp.
(Wyatt doffs his hat to the departing Clantons.)
WYATT: My pleasure.
(He turns back to Steven.)
WYATT: Boy, you maybe don't realise just how close that was. Well, for what we did not receive, may the good Lord make us truly thankful.
STEVEN: Amen.
WYATT: And now, friends, (indicating Phineas Clanton) shall we take this sinner to the abode of the unrighteous?
MASTERSON: Amen.
BALLAD: So pick him up gentle
And carry him slow,
He's gone kind of mental
Under Earp's heavy blow.
[Sheriff's office]
(A short while later, Phineas is safely in the cell.)
WYATT: Well I reckon he'll live but he ain't gonna enjoy it for a while.
DOCTOR: Was it necessary for Mister Werp to hit him so hard?
STEVEN: Now then, Doctor, it wasn't your neck in the noose just now. I for one am very grateful to Mister Werp, Earp.
WYATT: Oh, my pleasure, boy.
DOCTOR: We shan't be here to see the outcome. Tomorrow we're leaving. Goodbye Mister Werp.
WYATT: Oh, er, goodbye Doc. Can't say I'm sorry.
[Last Chance Saloon]
(Pa Clanton, a small figure with a trilby and a moustache, has arrived in town and joins Ike and Billy.)
PA: Get me Johnny Ringo. Get 'im, quick.
BILLY: But Pa, Ringo rides alone, you know that. He mightn't wanna join up with us.
PA: What was I paying Harper?
IKE: A hundred dollars.
PA: Well, offer Ringo five hundred.
IKE: Oh, come on, Pa. Nobody's worth that.
PA: Not worth it? If I had the sons who could do the job without gettin' all fouled up I wouldn't have to pay 'im. But as of now I need a top gun.
IKE: Listen, Pa, when the citizen's committee hear what we've got on Earp, they will
PA: The citizen's committee. Pack of feeble minded old women. Think they're gonna run him out office on account of what you tell 'em? Come on.
(The Clantons down their drinks and make for the door.)
BILLY: We'll get Holliday, Pa. All we need is time.
PA: All you need is guts, boy. And all I need is Johnny Ringo, so find out where he's at and get 'im on out up to the ranch.
IKE: Okay, Pa.
(As soon as they've gone, the Doctor and Steven enter the bar on their way back to their rooms for the night.)
DOCTOR: Yes, Dodo. Well, my boy, presumably she spent the evening in her room.
CHARLIE: Oh, pardon me, but, er, are you alludin' to your friend Miss Dodo Dupont?
DOCTOR: Of course, of course.
CHARLIE: Well I'm sorry folks, but she ain't in her room no more.
DOCTOR: Why, whatever for?
CHARLIE: Well, on account she checked out a while back.
STEVEN: Checked out, but
CHARLIE: She lit out after the killin' with Doc Holliday. Was with him when he shot Seth Harper right where you're standin'.
STEVEN: What, she was with Holliday?
CHARLIE: Surely was. Him, her 'n Kate lit out together, friendly as you please.
STEVEN: Look, surely she left a message of some sort?
CHARLIE: Now Mister, if'n you're involved in a killin', you don't leave no messages. You git.
STEVEN: Well, we've got to find her, fast.
CHARLIE: Well, friend, you wanna find her, you find Doc Holliday.
DOCTOR: Now don't be ridiculous. Doc Holliday's a great friend of mine. He gave me a gun, he extracted my tooth. Good gracious me, what more do you want? Come along, boy. Come along, come along.
STEVEN: Doctor, he's a gunman.
CHARLIE: His next extraction's gonna be a bullet.
BALLAD: It's your last chance of boozing
Where there's no-one to mind,
It's your last chance of losing
And the first place you find.
[outside the Wagon Hotel]
(Holliday and the girls have reached a rooming house a few miles away.)
HOLLIDAY: I reckon this'll do us for the night, Kate. There's a bar right across the street 'n a gamblin' saloon real close.
KATE: Doc, we're ain't enough out of Tombstone. We could have ridden thirty, forty miles by mornin'.
HOLLIDAY: There ain't no sense in riding too far when we may have to go back again real soon. Come on, Kate.
KATE: Ah, but Doc.
HOLLIDAY: Come on with you!
[Wagon Hotel]
(They make their way to two rooms on the first floor.)
KATE: Back to Tombstone, Doc? You wanna get yourself killed, is that it?
HOLLIDAY: All I want is to get myself a drink. Look, I promised Wyatt I'd stay close.
KATE: Yeah, and Wyatt just got through drivin' ya out, remember?
HOLLIDAY: Hey, he'll be wantin' me back again soon as the real trouble starts.
KATE: Real trouble?
HOLLIDAY: Now look, Kate, there's only him and Masterson to handle things if old man Clanton decides to throw anything against 'em, and I gotta get back.
DODO: I've got to get back too, remember.
HOLLIDAY: Sure, I promised the little lady that I'd see her back home with her friends. Now, Kate, you know that a gentleman has to take account of these things. Right now I'm going to rustle up some food for us all.
(Kate follows Doc from their room and meets Dodo on the landing.)
KATE: Huh, him and his promises.
DODO: Nice to find someone who keeps their word.
KATE: It's all he ever kept in his life, honey. Lost everythin' else he ever had.
(Five shots ring out.)
KATE: Not again!
(Doc returns carrying a tray.)
HOLLIDAY: It's all right, ladies, it's all right. I just ran into an old friend and he er, he kinda lost his appetite.
[Last Chance Saloon]
(Charlie is tidying up the bar in the lamp-lit saloon. Outside, a black-clad figure approaches.)
BALLAD: It's your last chance of earning
Your gunfighters fee.
The pay is in dollars,
But the bullets are free.
It's your last chance of cussing
At a gunfighters doom.
It's your last chance of nothin'
It's the Last Chance Saloon.
CHARLIE: Sorry, stranger, the bar is closed.
RINGO: Is that so?
(The newcomer's face is illuminated as he leans over the counter to light his cigar from an oil lamp.)
RINGO: You can just open it up again.
CHARLIE: Now see here. Ringo. Johnny Ringo.
RINGO: Shut up. Gimme a drink.
CHARLIE: Yes, sir, Mister Ringo. What'll it be, sir?
RINGO: Double straight. Hey, how come you know my name?
CHARLIE: I guess everybody. I mean, I sure enough heard about you.
RINGO: What have you heard?
CHARLIE: Well. Nothin' sir. Nothin' at all.
RINGO: So what's your name?
CHARLIE: Charlie, sir.
RINGO: Charlie, eh? So you've heard nothing about me?
CHARLIE: No, no, I ain't.
RINGO: Ain't very flattering is it?
CHARLIE: I guess not. I mean, well, what I was meaning was
RINGO: Yeah. Go on, go on Charlie.
CHARLIE: I heard somethin' about you this evenin' as a matter o' fact. A couple o' boys was askin' after you.
RINGO: Who?
CHARLIE: Two of the Clantons. Ike and Billy it was.
RINGO: And what was they askin'?
CHARLIE: Well they said to try and git word to you as their Pa would pay you five hundred if you'll throw in wi' them agin' Wyatt Earp.
RINGO: I've got business of my own to settle first. Personal business with Doc Holliday.
CHARLIE: Why now, Mister Ringo, excuse me and it ain't strictly none of my business, but I reckon that'll suit them just fine. Cause they're a-laying for Holliday too!
RINGO: Is that so. Then here's something else you can tell 'em. Holliday is mine. I trailed him clear away from Fort Griffin, understand?
CHARLIE: Yeah, sure, Mister Ringo.
(Charlie picks up the whiskey bottle with a trembling hand.)
RINGO: Oh, give it here. I'll do the pouring. You sure got the shakes real bad.
CHARLIE: It's er, it's on the house, sir.
RINGO: I never figured different.
CHARLIE: I can't wait to see Wyatt Earp's face when he hears you're going against him.
RINGO: Plannin' on tellin' him?
CHARLIE: Why no, Mister Ringo. I was only sayin'
RINGO: Charlie, Charlie, Charlie. You say too much, uh?
(Ringo makes for the stairs then turns back.)
CHARLIE: I won't say nothin' to nobody.
RINGO: Now ain't that just the truth. Hey, Charlie?
(Ringo shoots. Charlie collapses over the bar counter and the bottle of liquor spills to the floor. Ringo blows the smoke from the muzzle of his gun.)
RINGO: Goodnight, Charlie.
BALLAD: So it's curtains for Charlie,
That barman of fame.
He met Johnny Ringo
And he knew Johnny's name.
He knew Johnny's name
And he spoke it out loud.
Now Charlie the barman
Has gotten a shroud.
[Wagon Hotel]
(Early next morning, Doc Holliday is alone in his room and in buoyant mood. Dodo enters.)
DODO: You ready to leave?
HOLLIDAY: I'm ready to jump like a mountain hare, you come bursting in here like that, Missy.
DODO: You said that you were taking me back to my friends today.
HOLLIDAY: Yeah, today. Or the day after.
DODO: You promised!
HOLLIDAY: I promised to take you back safe home and I will do so in my own good time.
(Dodo grabs a gun from the dressing table and aims it unsteadily.)
DODO: We're leaving now.
HOLLIDAY: What're you attempting to do with that there offensive weapon?
DODO: Shoot you if I have to.
(She cocks the gun.)
HOLLIDAY: Now how'd you reckon to get back to Tombstone without me?
DODO: I shall try not to kill you. I shall aim for your arm.
HOLLIDAY: That's real thoughtful. Just at the moment you're aiming right between my eyes.
DODO: Oh, I'm sorry. Is that better?
HOLLIDAY: It's an improvement.
DODO: Right, now take me back to Tombstone.
HOLLIDAY: Well, seems like I ain't got no alternative.
DODO: No, Doctor Holliday, I don't believe you have.
HOLLIDAY: Then I promise on my oath as a gentleman of Georgia that I will take you back to Tombstone by nightfall.
DODO: Oh, thank goodness for that.
(Doc takes the gun.)
DODO: Would you mind getting me a glass of water?
HOLLIDAY: Yeah, sure.
DODO: I feel rather faint.
KATE: Now what in Hades goes on here?
HOLLIDAY: The young lady and I have to go right back to Tombstone right away.
KATE: Oh, and what about me?
HOLLIDAY: You stay here and I'll come back and get you.
KATE: See here, Doc Holliday, you ain't plannin' on runnin' out?
HOLLIDAY: Now Kate, for the first time in my life I have just been taken, beaten to the draw.
DODO: Oh, I honestly didn't want to have to shoot you.
HOLLIDAY: And I didn't want to have to shoot you neither.
(He produces the Derringer. Dodo faints.)
[Last Chance Saloon]
BALLAD: He knew Johnny's name
And he spoke it out loud.
Now Charlie the barman
Has gotten a shroud.
DOCTOR: Well, as soon as we've had breakfast, my boy, I must check up with Mister Werp and ask him if he knows where they've all gone.
STEVEN: Hmm, right.
(The Doctor and Steven come down from their rooms. With a start, Steven notices the body sprawled across the bar top.)
STEVEN: Doctor, look!
RINGO: High livin' and hard liquor. It don't pay.
STEVEN: Yeah, but he's been shot.
RINGO: Is that so?
(The black-clad cowboy tosses a coin onto the counter.)
RINGO: Here's something towards your funeral, friend.
DOCTOR: Er, yes, er, excuse me, sir, but I think under the circumstances you'd better remain here until Mister Werp arrives.
RINGO: Are you aimin' to make me?
DOCTOR: Ah no, no.
RINGO: The only man in the territory low enough to kill an unarmed barman is Doc Holliday.
STEVEN: Hey wait a minute. You know Holliday?
RINGO: And what's that to you?
DOCTOR: Well, we must find him.
RINGO: Why is that?
DOCTOR: You see, a young lady of our acquaintance is with him.
RINGO: And what are you going to do when you find him?
STEVEN: I, er, well we'll take her away from 'im and bring her back here of course.
RINGO: Plannin' on gunnin' him down, eh?
DOCTOR: Oh certainly not, sir, certainly not. I mean, we're just going to er, well, er, reason with him.
RINGO: Now that I'd really like to see.
DOCTOR: Do you know who that is?
STEVEN: Who?
DOCTOR: That's Johnny Ringo.
STEVEN: Who, that?
DOCTOR: Yes.
RINGO: Say, boy.
STEVEN: Yeah?
RINGO: Seein' as you 'n me's got common cause gettin' Doc Holliday, supposin' I was to let you ride with me?
STEVEN: Well, you know where he is?
RINGO: Reckon I do.
DOCTOR: Well, we'd be mighty grateful.
RINGO: I'm sure you would, Pop. There's just one thing. If you get between me and him, boy, don't go looking to me to hold my fire. I'd blast you down as soon as spit at ya!
STEVEN: Thanks.
DOCTOR: Disgusting habit.
[Sheriff's office]
(Masterson and Earp have been joined by Wyatt's brother, Warren.)
WYATT: So brother Morgan can't make it, uh?
WARREN: T'ain't for me to tell ya. Got himself mixed up in a range war, Abalone way.
MASTERSON: Any word from Virgil?
WYATT: No. Could be anywhere between here and Montana.
WARREN: One way and another seems lucky you've got me around, and Morgan's been teachin' me how ta handle a gun.
WYATT: Oh, not at your age, my lad, and not against these dirty Clantons.
(In the cell, Phineas is nursing a sore head.)
PHINEAS: How long're you all figurin' on keepin' me here?
MASTERSON: Just as long as it takes till the Judge hits town.
PHINEAS: Well when the Judge hears about you protectin' Doc Holliday just you see what happens!
(The door opens and the Doctor enters.)
DOCTOR: Did I hear the name Doc Holliday mentioned?
PHINEAS: Ya sure did.
DOCTOR: Yes, well I've got news of him.
WYATT: Well I thought you'd left town.
DOCTOR: Oh, Dodo you see. I mean, er, Miss Dupont has gone off with him, and young Steven is following up and I've got to wait.
WYATT: You mean Regret has gone after Holliday alone?
DOCTOR: No, no, my dear Marshall, no. He's gone with a young man by the name of Ringo.
WYATT: Ringo?
MASTERSON: Ringo!
DOCTOR: Yes, yes. You've got a photograph of him here, look.
WYATT: That's all we needed. Boy, the hosts of Midian are sure on the prowl tonight.
DOCTOR: Why, is he a friend of the Clanton's?
MASTERSON: Ringo is a friend of nobody. Professional gunfighter, sells hisself to the highest bidder.
WYATT: Yeah, and I reckon I know who that'll be.
PHINEAS: Better let me outta here while there's still time, Earp.
WYATT: Oh shut up.
DOCTOR: Yes. There's one more thing. I have to report a murder.
WYATT: Yeah?
DOCTOR: Yes, the barman at the Last Chance. I believe his name is Charlie, isn't it?
WYATT: Charlie?
MASTERSON: Who in thunder'd wanna kill Charlie?
WYATT: Ho, that Ringo sure works fast. Well, Warren my lad, guess I'm gonna have to leave you in charge after all, huh? C'mon Bat, lets get out to that Last Chance Saloon.
DOCTOR: Are you going to be all right? (Warren smiles then looks through the bars at Phineas, and chuckles.)
[Richmond Main Street]
(It's nighttime once more by the time Johnny Ringo and Steven reach the next town. They tie up their horses outside a small hotel.)
STEVEN: Look, what makes you think we're gonna find him in this town?
RINGO: On account it's the only one since Tombstone. Doc'll be thirsty.
STEVEN: Well, how're we gonna find 'im?
RINGO: Well I'll take this side, you take the other.
STEVEN: Yeah.
RINGO: Try at the saloon, huh?
STEVEN: Hey, wait! How'm I gonna know 'im?
RINGO: You'll know 'im, boy. You'll know 'im.
STEVEN: Yeah, right. I'll er, see you back here.
RINGO: Yep.
(Steven heads off and Ringo turns towards the rooming house. He's about to enter but stops when he spots someone walking slowly down the street towards him. He steps back into the shadows.)
BALLAD: Johnny Ringo has found her.
Johnny Ringo's found Kate.
The gunslinger's got her,
Now what is her fate?
Johnny Ringo has seen her,
She's coming his way.
Johnny Ringo and Katie
Were lovers, they say.
RINGO: Good evening, Kate. Well, ain't you glad to see me.
KATE: Johnny!
RINGO: Well ain't you?
KATE: Well, just kinda surprised, that's all.
RINGO: Yeah, I'll bet. I heard you was gonna be hitched to Doc Holliday so I just came to congratulate you, you and the bridegroom both.
KATE: Oh, he ain't no bridegroom o'mine, Johnny.
RINGO: That ain't what I heard.
KATE: Oh, but it's true. He ran out on me soon as we left Tombstone.
RINGO: Now why would he do a fool thing like that, pretty girl like you, huh?
KATE: Oh I, er, I guess he found him a prettier one, Johnny.
RINGO: Regret's girl?
KATE: Yeah.
RINGO: So where's he takin' her?
KATE: They was headed for New Mexico.
RINGO: New Mexico.
KATE: Now, Johnny, would I lie to you?
RINGO: Well, I guess he'll just have to wait 'til I finish this job in Tombstone.
KATE: What job?
RINGO: You'll find out when we get there.
KATE: When we get there?
RINGO: Kate, I've followed you for nigh on two years figurin' out what I should do to you when I caught up. Holliday was gonna be first, but 'ccording to you he's in New Mexico. But you're right here. (he pulls his gun) You're coming back to me, Kate.
KATE: Oh, well, thank ya kindly, Johnny, but just supposin' I don't wish ta come back?
RINGO: You'd better, that's all. I could mebbe change my mind.
KATE: Oh, now, now.
RINGO: Don't push your luck, Kate, just go git your things while I tell Regret that there's been a change of plan. Git!
[Sheriff's office]
(Phineas Clanton is taunting Warren Earp.)
PHINEAS: Kinda young for responsibility, ain't you, boy?
WARREN: Talkin' to me?
PHINEAS: Can't think who else.
WARREN: You're wastin' your time, Clanton. Save it for the Judge.
PHINEAS: So you're Wyatt Earp's kid brother? How come he's lettin' you do all the work around here? Now I got brothers, only they wouldn't leave me to face things all on my lonesome, no, sir.
WARREN: Seems to me, Clanton, that's exactly what they are doin'.
PHINEAS: I wouldn't say so, boy. Take a look behind you.
WARREN: I got no time to play games, Clanton. Why don't you just shut up.
PHINEAS: Okay, but if'n I was you I'd take a look behind me just the same.
(The door crashes open and Billy and Ike burst through.)
BILLY: Don't try it, friend.
IKE: Where's the head man around here?
PHINEAS: Why, this is him, Ike. Don't you recognise one of the fightin' Earps when you see one?
IKE: They get greener every year.
PHINEAS: Don't kid around Ike. Masters'll be back soon. Get me outta here.
BILLY: Where're the keys, Earp?
WARREN: Over, over on the desk.
BILLY: Go get 'em, and fast.
(Warren reaches carefully for the keys, then at the last moment dives for his gun. But he's too slow.)
BILLY: Yeehoo!
(A bullet catches him in the chest and he sinks to the floor.)
PHINEAS: Now that fixed it. They'll all be back here. Get me outta here.
IKE: Get the keys, Billy. Make it fast. Come on, let's go, let's go.
BILLY: That's just what I was needing.
IKE: Come on.
BALLAD: It's curtains for Warren,
They've gunned the kid down.
And them bad, cruel outlaws
Are heading for town.
On your way then you cowboys
The time will be soon
When there's blood on the sawdust
In the Last Chance Saloon.
Episode Four - The OK Corral
[Last Chance Saloon]
BALLAD: He knew Johnny's name
And he spoke it out loud.
Now Charlie the barman
Has gotten a shroud.
(The Doctor and Bat Masterson stand solemnly by as Wyatt Earp covers Charlie's body.)
DOCTOR: How do you know that the killer was Ringo?
MASTERSON: On account of it must have been him or you, and I don't figure you killed Charlie the barman. Of course if'n you wanna persuade me different?
DOCTOR: Certainly not, my dear Sheriff.
WYATT: Now on the other hand, Bat, although the Clantons know he's not Doc Holliday, they did see him shoot a gun out of Seth Harper's hand.
DOCTOR: That was nothing to do with me.
WYATT: Oh, but they think it was, and boy you had 'em lined up against that piana' like skittles in an alley. Why, you're gonna be a useful man to have around when the shootin' starts.
DOCTOR: I certainly hope that I should not be here. When Steven and Dodo come back
WYATT: Oh you're gonna be here alright, Doctor, because I'm deputising ya right now.
DOCTOR: Well. this is utterly absurd. Nothing will ever induce me to raise a gun in anger.
WYATT: Well, maybe you won't have to. But I mean with just Bat an' me an' Warren against the Clantons, you could sure shorten the odds some.
VIRGIL: And I'll help shorten them some more.
WYATT: Well, hallelujah! This is my brother Virgil.
VIRGIL: You got a drink for a thirsty man?
WYATT: Well, I'd just about given up on you.
VIRGIL: Hiya Bat.
MASTERSON: How'd you do there.
WYATT: Oh, I'm afraid that the bar's closed, Virgil.
VIRGIL: Say, how'd that happen?
WYATT: Oh, got himself shot. You don't know Pop, do ya?
VIRGIL: Howdy.
DOCTOR: Howdy. Would you mind not calling me Pop?
WYATT: Well, let's get on back to the office. Come on, Bat. Warren's over there waiting for us but Morgan can't make it. I'll tell you about it on the way over.
(The Doctor is left alone with a deputy's star pinned to his lapel and a gun once more in his hand.)
[Clanton ranch]
(The Clanton brothers arrive back at the family ranch, where Pa is waiting for them with Johnny Ringo, Kate and Steven.)
IKE: Bill, now we got 'im.
BILLY: We got 'im Pa, we got 'im!
PA: Seen ya coming. Took you long enough.
BILLY: And we got us an Earp.
RINGO: You done what?
IKE: So you finally got here now the work's been done!
RINGO: Ain't talkin' to you, Ike. Talking to Billy. Maybe get around to you later.
BILLY: Like I said, we shot down one of the Earp brothers.
RINGO: You shot Wyatt Earp?
PHINEAS: No his kid
IKE: Brother.
PHINEAS: Warren.
BILLY: Earp!
PA: Well, glory be! Now you really have declared war.
[Sheriff's office]
BALLAD: It's curtains for Warren,
They've gunned the kid down.
And them bad, cruel outlaws
Are heading for town.
On your way then you cowboys,
The time will be soon
When there's blood on the sawdust
In the Last Chance Saloon.
(But Warren Earp is not quite dead.)
WARREN: There was two of 'em, Wyatt.
WYATT: Who? Who was it, boy?
WARREN: Clantons, I guess. Come in real fast. Shouldn't have let Phin rile me. I turned my back a minute.
WYATT: Oh, no one's a-blamin' you, son. Rest easy.
WARREN: Don't let Morgan know they got my gun.
VIRGIL: He's gone Wyatt.
WYATT: Get him on over to the bench there.
VIRGIL: Wyatt, it's no use.
WYATT: Do like I said.
(Sheriff Masterson helps Virgil to lift Warren's body and lay it out decently as instructed. Then he turns to face Wyatt.)
MASTERSON: I'll get a warrant for 'em, Wyatt. I'll get 'em, you know that.
WYATT: You'll get 'em? Virgil!
VIRGIL: Yes, Wyatt?
WYATT: Ride on out to the Clantons and tell 'em we'll be waitin' for 'em come sun up.
MASTERSON: Now listen, Wyatt. There's a right and a wrong way of doing this.
WYATT: Stay out of this, Bat.
MASTERSON: This ain't legal, Wyatt. If'n you uphold the law you don't go startin' a private feud.
WYATT: You gonna try 'n to stop me?
MASTERSON: No, Wyatt, but I can't go along with ya. The law says that no
WYATT: The law? The law can't bring my kid brother back. Virgil and me's gonna step outside of the law.
VIRGIL: I reckon so, and I'll tell 'em. Where will I say?
WYATT: Tell 'em the OK Corral.
(Virgil leaves.)
BALLAD: So the Earps and the Clantons
Are aimin' to meet,
At the OK Corral
Near Calamity Street.
(Wyatt takes out his revolver and loads the chamber with six bullets.)
BALLAD: It's the OK Corral
Boys of gun fighting fame,
Where the Earps and the Clantons,
They played out the game.
They played out the game
And we nevermore shall
Hear a story the like
Of the OK Corral.
[Clanton ranch]
(The Clantons and Ringo are eating a late supper.)
PHINEAS: Pass the coffee.
(Ike reaches across the table to grab some bread, much to Pa's displeasure. Thump.)
IKE: Ow! Pa!
(Steven sits apart with Kate.)
STEVEN: Look, I'm going to try to slip away, get word to Holliday.
KATE: Oh, if the Doc knew I was here he'd blast my head off. Thanks.
STEVEN: I'm sure he'd understand you were only trying to get Ringo off his trail.
KATE: Ain't the way the Doc'd see it. 'Sides, you'd get shot in the back before you gone ten yards.
STEVEN: Oh, I dunno why they want to keep me here. I'm no use to them.
KATE: On account Ringo don't want Wyatt Earp to know he's here till he's good and ready.
(A horse gallops up outside. The brothers grab their guns and run for the door.)
PA: Now cut it out. We got trouble enough seein' Wyatt Earp already.
PHINEAS: Oh, it ain't Wyatt.
IKE: Ain't no one I seen afore.
RINGO: I've seen 'im. Old acquaintance of mine, Marshall of Dodge City. Name of Virgil Earp.
VIRGIL [OC]: Clanton!
PA: I hear ya.
VIRGIL [OC]: Got as message for ya.
PA: Well, come on up. Ringo, you'd better get up on them stairs. We don't wanna show our ace before we're ready to deal.
RINGO: Okay. If you want me, you'd better shout real loud.
PA: Line up on the door, boys.
(Ringo heads for the back of the parlour where he conceals himself. Steven and Kate retreat apprehensively to the side of the room as the Clantons spread out to stand tensely, hands poised at their hips and ready to draw as Virgil approaches the house.)
PA: Long way from Dodge City, ain't ya Marshall?
VIRGIL: Reckon you know why I'm here. Your boys killed my kid brother, Clanton.
PA: Well now there's two sides to every
VIRGIL: Ain't here to argue. Just to say that Wyatt 'n me'll meet 'em at the OK Corral at sun up.
IKE: And have a posse waitin'? You're crazy.
VIRGIL: Masterson's got no part in this, neither has the law. Just a little private business to settle between our two families.
PHINEAS: And supposin' we don't go?
VIRGIL: Then we'll come a-lookin'.
VIRGIL: Your friend there, whose side's he on?
STEVEN: Oh, I'm with you and Wyatt.
VIRGIL: D'you wanna to ride out with me?
STEVEN: Yeah, I'd like to. Somehow I don't think it's gonna be possible.
PA: Regret stays here. Now get.
IKE: And tell Earp we'll be there.
VIRGIL: I'll tell him. Sleep easy.
(Phineas smirks after the departing Virgil.)
PHINEAS: Well, it sure looks like a bad year for Earps.
(Laughter.)
PA: Ya hear that, Ringo?
RINGO: I heard.
IKE: Well, it looks like we got 'em. Two to four.
RINGO: You mean I got 'em two to one.
PHINEAS: How'd you figure that out? We'd be there too.
RINGO: Sure you'd be there waitin' for 'em. Kinda like cheese in a mousetrap.
BILLY: Now look
RINGO: Ah shut up, Billy. You ain't got a hope in hell agin them two, only you ain't old enough to know it.
IKE: So what do we do?!
RINGO: Let me earn my money, why don't you? I'll take 'em from behind while you face 'em.
BILLY: Never figured you for a back-shooter, Ringo.
RINGO: I never figured you for any kind of a shooter Billy, which is why we'll do it my way, okay? Real careful.
[Sheriff's office]
(The Doctor enters still wearing his deputy's badge, though with some unease.)
DOCTOR: Now Mister Werp, what part am I supposed to be playing in this feud between you and the Clantons? I thought that you gave me this to uphold the law, not
MASTERSON: He's right, Wyatt. You can't ask him.
DOCTOR: My main concern is for the safety of Steven and Dodo. Now can't I ask you to change your mind?
MASTERSON: T'ain't no use, old timer. He won't listen to me, he won't listen to nobody.
(Virgil returns.)
WYATT: You seen 'em?
VIRGIL: I seen 'em.
WYATT: Gonna be there?
VIRGIL: Oh they'll be there. Only thing is
WYATT: Well?
VIRGIL: Fella up there with 'em, name of Steven Regret.
DOCTOR: Steven? What in the world?
VIRGIL: Claimed he weren't no pal of theirs, but
WYATT: Well Doc?
DOCTOR: Well, if he's there it's not a matter of choice. He's still searching for Dodo with Ringo.
VIRGIL: Well, I didn't see Johnny Ringo, but I sure enough saw his horse. And Kate, ain't she his girlfriend? Well she's there too.
WYATT: So Ringo's with the Clantons, huh? Well, looks lie you an' me's gonna have a busy morning, Virgil.
DOCTOR: Oh, this is sheer madness, Mister Sheriff. You can't take on the Clantons and Ringo.
HOLLIDAY: They won't have to.
WYATT: Doc! I thought I told you to get outta town.
HOLLIDAY: Well now, Wyatt, so you did, but the fact is I was brung here at gunpoint by a woman.
VIRGIL: You expectin' us to believe that?
HOLLIDAY: The lady is here, the one and only Miss Dodo Dupont.
(Dodo follows him into the office waving a gun above her head. With a flourish, Doc takes it from her.)
HOLLIDAY: Ah, thank you.
DODO: Doctor. Thank goodness you're safe.
DOCTOR: Oh, my dear, I'm not in the slightest bit of danger. It was you that we were worried about.
HOLLIDAY: Well now, where do we meet these Clantons?
VIRGIL: We? Now see here, Wyatt, I don't take kindly to fighting alongside an outlaw, friend of yours or no.
HOLLIDAY: Suit yourself, Virgil. I'll just wish you good luck and go off to find my Kate.
VIRGIL: Oh, you'll find her at the Clantons.
HOLLIDAY: What's that you say?
WYATT: Yeah, with Johnny Ringo.
HOLLIDAY: Johnny Ringo?
VIRGIL: I saw them myself, while or two back.
HOLLIDAY: I'll be fightin' beside you two tomorrow mornin' whether you like it or not.
DOCTOR: But this is ridiculous, gentleman. Can you not uphold the law without using firearms?
WYATT: Well, old friend, now I've got Doc Holliday back, why, you can hand in your badge any time you want to, Pop.
DOCTOR: Oh, good heavens, what a relief. Here you are, Bat, there's your badge and there is your wretched weapon!
HOLLIDAY: Wyatt, how you proposin' to handle this little Clanton matter?
WYATT: Well, just walk right up there and face 'em.
HOLLIDAY: You reckon old Pa Clanton will play it that simple?
VIRGIL: Well, they'll reckon they're four to two.
HOLLIDAY: One of them four is Johnny Ringo. I ain't lining up for no square dance. I'm gonna play this my way.
WYATT: So what's your way?
DOCTOR: Yes, what is your way, Doctor Holliday?
[Last Chance Saloon]
(Later, the Doctor and Dodo are sitting alone in the bar.)
DODO: Isn't it time you went to bed, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Oh, how can I possibly sleep my dear, knowing that Steven is mixed up with all this?
DODO: I'm quite sure that Steven can take care of himself.
DOCTOR: Yes, but I'm not just worrying about Steven, my dear. What about this man Mister Werp? Supposing he gets killed? Who is going to uphold law and order in this territory? Why they couldn't let Masterson handle the affair I don't know, with a posse of deputies, and at the end of it let the Clantons get a fair trial.
MASTERSON: Proud to hear you say so, Doctor. If'n you feel that way there's something you can do. I've tried all I know to talk Wyatt out of this and he won't listen. I'm asking you to go talk to the Clantons. Seems like that's our only chance.
DOCTOR: Me? But my dear Sheriff, I should have thought you were the one to convince
MASTERSON: No, no, they know me for a friend of Wyatt's. But if'n you go to 'em wearing your badge, say you'll guarantee them a fair trial, it might just persuade 'em. Me, I'd rather face trial than Wyatt, Virgil and Holliday together.
DOCTOR: Yes, I see.
DODO: And you might be able to help Steven.
DOCTOR: Yes, quite so, my dear. That thought had passed through my head, yes. Well, Mister Sheriff, if you need my assistance I certainly will go along and talk to them.
MASTERSON: Good.
(Masterson once more pins the badge to the Doctor's coat.)
MASTERSON: Now, it's only about two hours to sun-up. You'd better get started right now.
[Clanton ranch]
PA: Boys're on their way.
STEVEN: On their way to murder?
PA: That's a big word, boy. It fits though.
STEVEN: This was meant to be a fair fight.
PA: Think I wanna see my own sons killed?
STEVEN: They may as well be if they win this way. Masterson'll see they hang for it.
PA: When the shootin's over we'll have this town in the palm of our hand, including Masterson.
STEVEN: There's still Morgan Earp.
PA: If he's still alive we'll deal with him too. Can't build an empire, boy, without getting a mite unscrupulous.
(There's a knock at the door.)
PA: Come on in.
DOCTOR: Mister Clanton, I presume?
STEVEN: Doctor!
DOCTOR: No, not Doctor at the moment, dear boy. I am Deputy-Sheriff of Tombstone.
PA: Well ain't that somethin'! My cattle been a-roamin' again?
DOCTOR: I've come along to ask you to call off your boys from embarking on this ridiculous duel.
PA: Yeah. Seems like they was the ones got challenged.
DOCTOR: And if you'll do this I'm sure that Masterson will see that they get a fair trial.
PA: Oh, that's real handsome. Only it don't fit in with my plans.
DOCTOR: I see. You would prefer them to be shot down in the street?
PA: Well, they can take their chances.
STEVEN: Oh, they aren't taking any chances, Doctor. Johnny Ringo's going be behind the Earps.
PA: One more yap outta you, Regret, you're dead, boy.
DOCTOR: Ah tut, tut, tut, tut, tut. If you are alluding to the presence of Mister Ringo, I can assure you, sir, that that also has been anticipated. They're quite ready for him.
PA: Okay, supposing they are? There's still only two of them against four.
DOCTOR: You have been sadly misinformed. Doctor Holliday is there also.
PA: What? Kate, you said Holliday was in New Mexico.
KATE: I blush with shame, Mister Clanton, indeed I do. That was a dad blasted lie. He's right there in Tombstone with the Earps.
PA: Doc Holliday and the Earps? Agin' my boys.
[Main Street]
BALLAD: So the cards, they are drawn
An' the chips, they are down,
Them outlaws and lawmen
Are headin' for town.
And the Earps and the Clantons
Are aimin' to meet
At the OK Corral
Near Calamity Street.
(Johnny Ringo and the Clanton brothers arrive at the OK Corral.)
PHINEAS: We're early.
RINGO: D'you wanna be late for your own funeral?
BILLY: Now you cut that out, Ringo!
IKE: Take it easy, kid.
RINGO: Just remember what I told you.
BILLY: Yeah, I remember. We're the bait in the trap.
RINGO: That's right. Now don't forget. Start firing before they get into range, and go on firing so's they don't get a chance to look behind 'em. Because that's where I'll be, okay? Be seeing you.
BALLAD: So them bad, cruel outlaws
Are meeting up soon.
And they've drunk their last drink
In the Last-Chance Saloon.
[Sheriff's office]
WYATT: Well, best be going.
MASTERSON: Wyatt, are you sure I can't stop ya?
WYATT: Nope.
MASTERSON: Okay. So, good luck.
WYATT: Ready, Doc?
HOLLIDAY: Oh, ready as I will be. Why these here get-togethers have to be held at sun-up I never will know. It ain't civilised.
WYATT: Now just where're you gonna make your play from, Doc?
HOLLIDAY: Well, it's like I said, Wyatt. I'll be strollin' along real easy behind you on the shady side of the street. Okay?
WYATT: Okay.
(Wyatt leads Virgil out. Holliday remains behind and lifts his hat to Masterson before he too leaves.)
[OK Corral]
BALLAD: It's the OK Corral
Boys of gun fighting fame,
Where the Earps and the Clantons,
They played out their game.
IKE: Here they come, boys.
(The Earps appear at the corral entrance.)
IKE: Now!
(The Clantons open fire but the Earps stand their ground.
IKE: Scatter!
(The brothers split up and dive for cover, shooting as they go. As the Earps come into range they start to return fire.)
WYATT: Take the side.
(Doc Holliday is advancing slowly along the side of the street unaware that Ringo is just a few yards behind him.)
DODO: Doc, look out!
(Holliday spins round at Dodo's warning, but Ringo grabs the girl and smiles broadly at his rival.)
RINGO: Well, if it ain't Doc Holliday. Who invited you, Doc?
HOLLIDAY: You did, Ringo. It seemed kinda seemly to show up.
RINGO: Throw down your gun, or the girl gets it.
(Doc throws his revolver aside and it skims across the sidewalk, coming to rest in the road. Ringo's eyes follow it, and continuing to hold Dodo tightly as a shield, he moves to pick it up. But as the gunman stoops, Dodo catches him off balance and shoves him hard. He slips, landing on his back in the dirt. Dodo runs for shelter as Doc calmly takes out his Derringer and shoots.)
HOLLIDAY: I'm sorry Johnny.
(The Clantons and the Earps continue to trade bullets as Holliday stands over the dying Ringo.)
HOLLIDAY: I thought you'd do better than that, Mister Ringo.
RINGO: I will, next time.
(Johnny lies still, and Doc retrieves his gun before turning to Dodo.)
HOLLIDAY: Ah now Missy, you sure do perplex me. Go on now, you get the hell outta here.
DODO: I'm sorry, Doc. I was only trying to help.
HOLLIDAY: You try to help me any more, you'll be the death of me. Go on!
(Holliday finds Wyatt Earp shooting from behind a barrel.)
HOLLIDAY: Ringo was here.
WYATT: And?
HOLLIDAY: He ain't no more.
(Billy Clanton is firing from beneath a wagon.)
BILLY: Phin! I'm gonna get Doc Holliday!
(Under cover of a volley of shots from Ike, Billy crawls forward to take new sanctuary under the porch of a building, from where he continues to fire on Holliday's position. But he's edgy, and his bullets go wide. Doc stands and takes careful aim. Blam, blam, blam. Billy looks up in surprise and pain before collapsing. He struggles to sit up, unable to grip his gun properly. Doc steps forward and looks Billy straight in the eye before firing a last shot. Billy's gun discharges harmlessly into the ground as he dies. Phineas looks on appalled, then breaks cover and runs around the back of the wagon, emerging at the other end in plain sight of Virgil Earp. His shirt stained crimson, Phineas staggers against the wagon, clutching at a wheel for support before finally sinking under a barrage of shots from the Earps. The last Clanton standing, Ike runs up some stairs and takes aim at Holliday as he peers around the corner. He pulls the trigger but the chamber is empty and the hammer clicks harmlessly. Doc fires, then Wyatt and Virgil. Ike tumbles over the handrail and bites the dust.)
BALLAD: They paid their sins
And they lost on the draw.
For the Earps they was faster
And they was the law.
So beware all you cowboys
Who's yearning to sin.
If the Earps is the lawmen
You ain't gonna win.
[Livery stable]
(Sometime later, the Doctor leads Steven and Dodo, along with Doc Holliday and Kate, back to where they left the Tardis.)
DOCTOR: Why on Earth you want to leave Tombstone, I can't imagine. All the Clantons are dead. Ringo is dead.
HOLLIDAY: Masterson ain't.
STEVEN: Yes, but surely Wyatt Earp
HOLLIDAY: Wyatt Earp is no longer a lawman. Besides, he has killed two Clantons.
DODO: Even so, he'd never let a friend down.
HOLLIDAY: Neither would Masterson.
KATE: Show 'em, Doc.
(Holliday unrolls a wanted poster showing his picture and the offer of a 2,000 dollar reward.)
HOLLIDAY: Ain't nothin' Masterson wouldn't do to oblige a friend.
KATE: Ain't it always the same?
HOLLIDAY: Always the same.
DOCTOR: It's a very good likeness.
HOLLIDAY: It's yours.
DOCTOR: Thank you.
HOLLIDAY: Goodbye to you all. Come along, Kate.
(Arm in arm, Doc and Kate leave the stable.)
DOCTOR: It's a terrible, terrible injustice. You know I'm very tempted to
DODO: Listen!
BALLAD: So fill up your glasses
And join in the song,
The law's right behind you
And it won't take long.
DOCTOR: Oh, my dear Dodo, my dear Dodo. You know you're fast becoming a prey to every clich�-ridden convention in the American West. And it's high time we left. Now, come along.
STEVEN: Thank goodness for that.
DOCTOR: Come along now.
DODO: Oh, but Doctor.
DOCTOR: I don't want to discuss it any further. In you go. Come along!
(The Doctor drops the wanted poster in the hay then goes into the Tardis after his companions.)
[Tardis]
(The time machine has landed once more, and the scanner shows the image of a rocky ravine.)
DOCTOR: Yes, I think I can say that I know just exactly where we are.
DODO: Past, present or future?
DOCTOR: In the future. Very much in the future. We've now reached the distant horizon of an age, an age of peace and prosperity. Now, I'm going to be off.
(They all move away from the scanner just as a primitive looking figure wearing animal skins and carrying a club comes into view.)
Next Episode - The Savages
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