THE CLUMPSY VAMPIRE B.MOVIE SCRIPT.by Mark Anthony Raines. Comedy Friendly Zombie Production 2019

Synopsis...                                                                                                            What if a clumsy vampire was stalking London now would it turn o play out? .                                                                                          Scene One

EXT. TRAFALGAR SQUARE, LONDON - AFTERNOON ON A MURKY TWO PEOPLE ARE ARGUING

Grissled  and unshaven a bad looking copy of that televisi on  police officer Colombo DCI GARY RABBIT is arguing with understanding  DR UNA TORRANCE ,Blonde hair ,stee blue eyes and hourglass figure and 4ft 11 in if asked 5 ft 1in. GARY tries to hug UNA but she shakes him off and tells him it's sexual harassment

GARY
Please Una, don't leave me.you know I nothing without you

UNA
I'm sorry Gary, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away from being an adult instead of being a bit of a child

GARY
I am such a person! I admit.

UNA frowns.

UNA
I'm sorry, Gary. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

UNA leaves.

GARY sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, special  i n his head housekeeper MR HECTOR THORNHILL barges in looking flustered as just was trying to solv e Brexi t in one easy hit

GARY
Goodness, Hector! Is everything okay?

HECTOR
I'm afraid not. I thought I found the perfect Brexi t solution when i saw a strange man in the queue for my coffee fix

GARY
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

HECTOR
It's ... a vampire ... I saw an evil vampire whom  leapt at a bunch of elderly ladies  and trying to  feed  on thier  necks for  blood

GARY
Defenseless elderly ladies? what  a horrible creature

HECTOR
Yes, defenseless elderly ladies! saying  repeatedly  as caught up in the  moment.

GARY
Bloomin' heck, Hector! We've got to do something.

HECTOR
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

GARY
You can start by telling me where this happened.

HECTOR
I was...

HECTOR fans himself and begins to wheeze.

GARY
Focus Hector, focus! Where did it happen?

HECTOR
a book shop! That's right - a book shop!

GARY looks at him puzzled as he was wondering  how or why  a book shop  was also  a coffee shop. He  springs up and begins to run.

Scene Two
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

GARY rushes along the street, followed by HECTOR. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.


EXT. A BOOK SHOP - SHORTLY AFTER as the short cut was indeed  very short.

In front of  them the following  scene  is taking place at  clumsy  ;nerdy ;mouse like hair and thin rimmed glasses and answers  to the name of SARAH was  terrorising elderly ladies.

GARY, closely followed by HECTOR, rushes towards SARAH, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

HECTOR
What is is? What's the matter?

GARY
That's not just any old vampire, that's Sarah Vader!

HECTOR
Who's Sarah Vader?

GARY
Who's Sarah Vader? Who's Sarah Vader? Only the most clumsy vampire in the universe!

HECTOR
Blinkin' knickers, Gary! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most clumsy vampire in the universe!

GARY
You can say that again.

HECTOR
Blinkin' knickers, Gary! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most clumsy vampire in the universe!

GARY
I'm going to need razors, lots of razors.

Sarah turns and sees Gary and Hector. She grins an evil grin.

SARAH
Gary Rabbit, we meet again.

HECTOR
You've met?

GARY
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

Scene Three
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young GARY is sitting in a park listening to some trance music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees a young  nerdy  woman  with mouse like hair  and thin rimmed glasses  He takes off his headphones.As he think he will  try  to  speak to this vision in front of him.

SARAH
Smiling  at him then  proceeds  to ask him a very  odd question; Would you like some white mice?

GARY's eyes light up and in his head  he thinks  she probably just trying  to break the ice but then he studies the woman that  answers to the name SARAH he decided to  look  more closely, and began  to  him a overwhelming sense of uneasiness.

GARY
I don't know, you look kind of clumsy were  the nervous words that  came out of his tiny mouth and instantly he feels he has dug himself into a hole.

SARAH
Me? No. I'm not clumsy. I'm the least clumsy vampire in the world.;she replies  in a statement  mixture of anger and how dare you just me so.

GARY
Wait, you're a vampire?

GARY runs away, screaming;as fast as his little legs will  let him.                         SARAH just calmly stays were  she is standing as lucky for GARY  she was not hungry.
Scene Four

EXT. A BOOK SHOP - PRESENT DAY

SARAH
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

HECTOR
(To GARY) You ran away?

GARY
(To HECTOR) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?I was scared shitless.

GARY turns to SARAH.

GARY
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

GARY runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

GARY
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with razors.

SARAH
I'm not scared of you.

GARY
You should be.
Scene Five

INT. A SWEET SHOP - LATER THAT DAY

GARY and HECTOR walk around searching for something.

GARY
I feel sure I left my razors somewhere around here.

HECTOR
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly razors.

GARY
You know nothing Hector Thornhill.

HECTOR
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, SARAH appears, holding a pair of razors.

SARAH
Looking for something?

HECTOR
Crikey, Gary, she's got your razors.

GARY
Tell me something I don't already know!

HECTOR
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

GARY
I know that already!

HECTOR
I still wear nappies.

SARAH
(appalled) Dude!

While SARAH is looking at HECTOR with disgust, GARY lunges forward and grabs his deadly razors. He wields them, triumphantly.

GARY
Prepare to die, you clumsy  like a carrot!

SARAH
No please! All I did was did was trying to drink  the blood of  a bunch of elderly ladies!

UNA enters, unseen by any of the others.

GARY
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly ladies were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Gary Rabbit defender of innocent elderly ladies.

SARAH
Don't hurt me! Please!

GARY
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these razors on you right away!

SARAH
Because Gary, I am your mother.

GARY looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

GARY
No you're not!

SARAH
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

SARAH tries to grab the razors but GARY dodges out of the way.

GARY
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?Well  he had meant to say daddy  but  remember s it best  to  be political  correct even at times  like this.

Unexpectedly, SARAH slumps to the ground.

HECTOR
Did she just faint?

GARY
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly razors.

GARY crouches over SARAH's body.

HECTOR
Be careful, Gary. It could be a trick.

GARY
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Sarah Vader is dead!

GARY
What?

GARY
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.

HECTOR claps his hands.

HECTOR
So your razors did save the day, after all.

UNA steps forward.

UNA
Is it true? Did you kill the clumsy vampire?

GARY
Una how long have you been...?

UNA puts her arm around GARY.

UNA
Long enough.

GARY
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Sarah Vader.

UNA
Then the elderly ladies are safe?

GARY
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable elderly ladies enter, looking relived.

UNA
You are their hero.

The elderly ladies bow to GARY.

GARY
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Sarah Vader will never  drink blood from elderly ladies ever again, is enough for me he said with  glowing  pride.

UNA
You are humble as well as brave! In a ironic  tone.

One of the elderly ladies passes GARY a mystical ring

UNA
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

GARY
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

GARY
Well, if you insist.

GARY takes the ring.

GARY
Thank you.

The elderly ladies bow their heads once more, and leave.

GARY turns to UNA.

GARY
Does this mean you want me back?

UNA
Oh, Gary, of course I want you back!

GARY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

GARY
Well you can't have me.

UNA
WHAT?

GARY
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a vampire to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

UNA
But...

GARY
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Hector.

HECTOR grins.

UNA
But...

HECTOR
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

UNA
Gary?

GARY
I'm sorry Una, but I think you should skidaddle.

UNA leaves.

HECTOR turns to GARY.

HECTOR
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

GARY
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly HECTOR stops.

HECTOR
When I said I still wear nappies, you know I was just trying to distract the vampire don't you?

The  End                                               About the Author                                                      Well I love a good  old B.Movie as fun to watch some I thought  I  try and write a movie script  for one.It's the  one above  you  just read coming to  you  soon  via a bargain  bin in the North Pole. From Author Mark Anthony Raines