Vile Mugger
A Screenplay by Ghostman
EXT. ST MICHAEL'S MOUNT, CORNWALL - AFTERNOON
Hilarious mechanic DR GARY CHEN is arguing with brave painter MADAME SUZANNE BISHOP. GARY tries to hug SUZANNE but she shakes him off.
GARY
Please Suzanne, don't leave me.
SUZANNE
I'm sorry Gary, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
GARY
I am such a person!
SUZANNE frowns.
SUZANNE
I'm sorry, Gary. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
SUZANNE leaves.
GARY sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, optimistic lawyer LORD RAYMOND BLACKMAN barges in looking flustered.
GARY
Goodness, Raymond! Is everything okay?
RAYMOND
I'm afraid not.
GARY
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
RAYMOND
It's ... a mugger ... I saw an evil mugger mug a bunch of children!
GARY
Defenseless children?
RAYMOND
Yes, defenseless children!
GARY
Bloomin' heck, Raymond! We've got to do something.
RAYMOND
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
GARY
You can start by telling me where this happened.
RAYMOND
I was...
RAYMOND fans himself and begins to wheeze.
GARY
Focus Raymond, focus! Where did it happen?
RAYMOND
Notting Hill, London! That's right - Notting Hill, London!
GARY springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
GARY rushes along the street, followed by RAYMOND. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
EXT. NOTTING HILL, LONDON - SHORTLY AFTER
MATTHEW ENGLAND a vile mugger terrorises two children.
GARY, closely followed by RAYMOND, rushes towards MATTHEW, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
RAYMOND
What is is? What's the matter?
GARY
That's not just any old mugger, that's Matthew England!
RAYMOND
Who's Matthew England?
GARY
Who's Matthew England? Who's Matthew England? Only the most vile mugger in the universe!
RAYMOND
Blinkin' knickers, Gary! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most vile mugger in the universe!
GARY
You can say that again.
RAYMOND
Blinkin' knickers, Gary! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most vile mugger in the universe!
GARY
I'm going to need stakes, lots of stakes.
Matthew turns and sees Gary and Raymond. He grins an evil grin.
MATTHEW
Gary Chen, we meet again.
RAYMOND
You've met?
GARY
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young GARY is sitting in a park listening to some reggae music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees MATTHEW. He takes off his headphones.
MATTHEW
Would you like some barley sugar?
GARY's eyes light up, but then he studies MATTHEW more closely, and looks uneasy.
GARY
I don't know, you look kind of vile.
MATTHEW
Me? No. I'm not vile. I'm the least vile mugger in the world.
GARY
Wait, you're a mugger?
GARY runs away, screaming.
EXT. NOTTING HILL, LONDON - PRESENT DAY
MATTHEW
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
RAYMOND
(To GARY) You ran away?
GARY
(To RAYMOND) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
GARY turns to MATTHEW.
GARY
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
GARY runs away.
He turns back and shouts.
GARY
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with stakes.
MATTHEW
I'm not scared of you.
GARY
You should be.
INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - LATER THAT DAY
GARY and RAYMOND walk around searching for something.
GARY
I feel sure I left my stakes somewhere around here.
RAYMOND
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly stakes.
GARY
You know nothing Raymond Blackman.
RAYMOND
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, MATTHEW appears, holding a pair of stakes.
MATTHEW
Looking for something?
RAYMOND
Crikey, Gary, he's got your stakes.
GARY
Tell me something I don't already know!
RAYMOND
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
GARY
I know that already!
RAYMOND
I'm afraid of sausages.
MATTHEW
(appalled) Dude!
While MATTHEW is looking at RAYMOND with disgust, GARY lunges forward and grabs his deadly stakes. He wields them, triumphantly.
GARY
Prepare to die, you vile cabbage!
MATTHEW
No please! All I did was mug a bunch of children!
SUZANNE enters, unseen by any of the others.
GARY
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those children were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Gary Chen defender of innocent children.
MATTHEW
Don't hurt me! Please!
GARY
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these stakes on you right away!
MATTHEW
Because Gary, I am your father.
GARY looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
GARY
No you're not!
MATTHEW
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
MATTHEW tries to grab the stakes but GARY dodges out of the way.
GARY
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, MATTHEW slumps to the ground.
RAYMOND
Did he just faint?
GARY
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly stakes.
GARY crouches over MATTHEW's body.
RAYMOND
Be careful, Gary. It could be a trick.
GARY
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Matthew England is dead!
GARY
What?
GARY
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
RAYMOND claps his hands.
RAYMOND
So your stakes did save the day, after all.
SUZANNE steps forward.
SUZANNE
Is it true? Did you kill the vile mugger?
GARY
Suzanne how long have you been...?
SUZANNE puts her arm around GARY.
SUZANNE
Long enough.
GARY
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Matthew England.
SUZANNE
Then the children are safe?
GARY
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable children enter, looking relived.
SUZANNE
You are their hero.
The children bow to GARY.
GARY
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Matthew England will never mug children ever again, is enough for me.
SUZANNE
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the children passes GARY a mystical ring
SUZANNE
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
GARY
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
GARY
Well, if you insist.
GARY takes the ring.
GARY
Thank you.
The children bow their heads once more, and leave.
GARY turns to SUZANNE.
GARY
Does this mean you want me back?
SUZANNE
Oh, Gary, of course I want you back!
GARY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
GARY
Well you can't have me.
SUZANNE
WHAT?
GARY
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a mugger to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
SUZANNE
But...
GARY
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Raymond.
RAYMOND grins.
SUZANNE
But...
RAYMOND
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
SUZANNE
Gary?
GARY
I'm sorry Suzanne, but I think you should skidaddle.
SUZANNE leaves.
RAYMOND turns to GARY.
RAYMOND
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
GARY
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly RAYMOND stops.
RAYMOND
When I said I'm afraid of sausages, you know I was just trying to distract the mugger don't you?
THE END
Hilarious mechanic DR GARY CHEN is arguing with brave painter MADAME SUZANNE BISHOP. GARY tries to hug SUZANNE but she shakes him off.
Please Suzanne, don't leave me.
I'm sorry Gary, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
I am such a person!
SUZANNE frowns.
I'm sorry, Gary. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
SUZANNE leaves.
GARY sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, optimistic lawyer LORD RAYMOND BLACKMAN barges in looking flustered.
Goodness, Raymond! Is everything okay?
I'm afraid not.
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
It's ... a mugger ... I saw an evil mugger mug a bunch of children!
Defenseless children?
Yes, defenseless children!
Bloomin' heck, Raymond! We've got to do something.
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
You can start by telling me where this happened.
I was...
RAYMOND fans himself and begins to wheeze.
Focus Raymond, focus! Where did it happen?
Notting Hill, London! That's right - Notting Hill, London!
GARY springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
GARY rushes along the street, followed by RAYMOND. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
EXT. NOTTING HILL, LONDON - SHORTLY AFTER
MATTHEW ENGLAND a vile mugger terrorises two children.
GARY, closely followed by RAYMOND, rushes towards MATTHEW, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
What is is? What's the matter?
That's not just any old mugger, that's Matthew England!
Who's Matthew England?
Who's Matthew England? Who's Matthew England? Only the most vile mugger in the universe!
Blinkin' knickers, Gary! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most vile mugger in the universe!
You can say that again.
Blinkin' knickers, Gary! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most vile mugger in the universe!
I'm going to need stakes, lots of stakes.
Matthew turns and sees Gary and Raymond. He grins an evil grin.
Gary Chen, we meet again.
You've met?
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young GARY is sitting in a park listening to some reggae music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees MATTHEW. He takes off his headphones.
Would you like some barley sugar?
GARY's eyes light up, but then he studies MATTHEW more closely, and looks uneasy.
I don't know, you look kind of vile.
Me? No. I'm not vile. I'm the least vile mugger in the world.
Wait, you're a mugger?
GARY runs away, screaming.
EXT. NOTTING HILL, LONDON - PRESENT DAY
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
(To GARY) You ran away?
(To RAYMOND) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
GARY turns to MATTHEW.
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
GARY runs away.
He turns back and shouts.
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with stakes.
I'm not scared of you.
You should be.
INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - LATER THAT DAY
GARY and RAYMOND walk around searching for something.
I feel sure I left my stakes somewhere around here.
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly stakes.
You know nothing Raymond Blackman.
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, MATTHEW appears, holding a pair of stakes.
Looking for something?
Crikey, Gary, he's got your stakes.
Tell me something I don't already know!
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
I know that already!
I'm afraid of sausages.
(appalled) Dude!
While MATTHEW is looking at RAYMOND with disgust, GARY lunges forward and grabs his deadly stakes. He wields them, triumphantly.
Prepare to die, you vile cabbage!
No please! All I did was mug a bunch of children!
SUZANNE enters, unseen by any of the others.
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those children were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Gary Chen defender of innocent children.
Don't hurt me! Please!
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these stakes on you right away!
Because Gary, I am your father.
GARY looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
No you're not!
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
MATTHEW tries to grab the stakes but GARY dodges out of the way.
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, MATTHEW slumps to the ground.
Did he just faint?
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly stakes.
GARY crouches over MATTHEW's body.
Be careful, Gary. It could be a trick.
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Matthew England is dead!
What?
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
RAYMOND claps his hands.
So your stakes did save the day, after all.
SUZANNE steps forward.
Is it true? Did you kill the vile mugger?
Suzanne how long have you been...?
SUZANNE puts her arm around GARY.
Long enough.
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Matthew England.
Then the children are safe?
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable children enter, looking relived.
You are their hero.
The children bow to GARY.
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Matthew England will never mug children ever again, is enough for me.
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the children passes GARY a mystical ring
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
Well, if you insist.
GARY takes the ring.
Thank you.
The children bow their heads once more, and leave.
GARY turns to SUZANNE.
Does this mean you want me back?
Oh, Gary, of course I want you back!
GARY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
Well you can't have me.
WHAT?
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a mugger to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
But...
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Raymond.
RAYMOND grins.
But...
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
Gary?
I'm sorry Suzanne, but I think you should skidaddle.
SUZANNE leaves.
RAYMOND turns to GARY.
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly RAYMOND stops.
When I said I'm afraid of sausages, you know I was just trying to distract the mugger don't you?
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