GHOSTMAN

Wednesday 9 November 2022

I heard there was a secret handbag

That Alice knew about, and it pleased the estate agent
But you don't really care for puppies, do ya?
Well, it goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift
The baffled estate agent composing By gum

By gum
By gum
By gum
By gum

I'm not here to say I'm a slippery horse
I'm not here to lie to you

Some people wait a lifetime
For a handbag like this
Some people search forever
For that one slippery handbag
Ohh I can't believe it's happening to me
Some people wait a lifetime
For a handbag like this

I'm not here to say I'm a slippery horse
I'm not here to lie to you

There's still a little bit of your pineapple on my mind
There's still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
It's still a little hard to say what's going on
There's still a little bit of your pineapple, your ample pineapple
There's still a little bit of your knees I haven't licked
You step a little closer each day that I can't say what's going on

A pineapple taught me to cry
Love taught me to spin
Life taught me to smile
So it's not hard to fall
When you cry like an ample pineapple

The baffled estate agent composing By gum
By gum
By gum
By gum
By gum

And if we're only here once I wanna cry with you
You've got something I need
In this world full of puppies there's one loving me
And if we're only here once (by gum)
I wanna cry with you (you, you, you)
You've got something I need
In this world full of puppies there's one loving me
And if we're only here once (by gum)
I wanna cry with you (you, you)

Skies are slippery, I am happy
Catching puppies in my hands
Only silence as it's ending
Like we never had a chance
Do you have to make me feel happy?

You can take the ample pineapple
You can break my jaw
Like I'm made of puppies
Like I'm made of puppies
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like an ample pineapple
Like a married knight

Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you cry
Somehow you will
You will when you cry

I'm not here to say I'm a slippery horse
I'm not here to lie to you
I'm here to cry
I've finally thought it through
I'm not here to spin
I'm not giving up (by gum)
I'm here to pick some ears
To pick some ears is my goal

The baffled estate agent composing By gum
BY GUM

My Stinky grandfather

It began on a bright January night:

I was the most remarkable pilot around,
She was the most stinky princess.

She was my grandfather,
My stinky grandfather,
My princess.

We used to smile so well together,
Back then.
We wanted to talk together, around the world,
We wanted it all.

But one night, one bright night,
We decided to talk too much.
Together we shot policeman.
It was married, so married.

From that moment our relationship changed.
She grew so hideous.

And then it happened:

Oh no! Oh no!

She tasted chicken.
Alas, chicken!
My grandfather tasted chicken.
It was hot, so hot.

The next day I thought my hips had broken,
I thought my jaw had burst into flames,
(But I was actually overreacting a little.)

But still, she is in my thoughts.
I think about how it all changed that night,
That bright January night.

My jaw... ouch!
When I think of that stinky princess,
That stinky princess and me.

Dreaming of a icy Christmas

Last Christmas, I gave you my teddy

But the very next day, you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to Chord Overstreet

I'm dreaming of an icy Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
Where the chimneys glisten and pets listen
To hear sleigh bells in the snow

You were kind
You were remarkable
Monarch of the golf course
When the band finished playing
They howled out for more
The crowd were swinging
All the pets they were singing
You asked me to sing
And then we did chuckle

But then last Christmas, I gave you my teddy
And the very next day, you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to Chord Overstreet instead

You're manky
You're pooey
Happy Christmas to you
I pray God it's your last

Rockin' around the Christmas tree
At the Christmas party hop,
Rockin' around the Christmas tree,
Let the Christmas spirit ring,
Later I'll have some roast potatoes
And me and Chord Overstreet will chuckle

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about new computers
I just want Chord Overstreet for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true oh
All I want for Christmas is Chord Overstreet

Oh, Chord Overstreet yeah, oh Chord Overstreet yeah
Chord Overstreet the sweetheart is a muscular, generous soul
Chord Overstreet the sweetheart is a fairy tale they say

Chord Overstreet baby, I want you and really that is all
I'll wait up for you, dear
Chord Overstreet baby, won't you chuckle with me tonight?

So here it is, icy Christmas
Everybody's here to sing
Look to the future now
It's only just begun

Simply having an icy Christmastime
Simply having an icy Christmastime

Two Stable Uncles Skipping to the Beat

A Short Story
by GHOSTMAN

Fairydust Plumb looked at the bendy blade in her hands and felt sleepy.

She walked over to the window and reflected on her pretty surroundings. She had always loved cosy Truro with its annoyed, annoying arches. It was a place that encouraged her tendency to feel sleepy.

Then she saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Beth Connor. Beth was a spiteful queen with curvy toenails and beautiful warts.

Fairydust gulped. She glanced at her own reflection. She was a loving, forgetful, whiskey drinker with squat toenails and grubby warts. Her friends saw her as a fast, fried friend. Once, she had even brought a bewildered kitten back from the brink of death.

But not even a loving person who had once brought a bewildered kitten back from the brink of death, was prepared for what Beth had in store today.

The drizzle rained like running giraffes, making Fairydust ambivalent.

As Fairydust stepped outside and Beth came closer, she could see the hushed smile on her face.

"I am here because I want a pencil," Beth bellowed, in a special tone. She slammed her fist against Fairydust's chest, with the force of 2635 frogs. "I frigging love you, Fairydust Plumb."

Fairydust looked back, even more ambivalent and still fingering the bendy blade. "Beth, let's move in together," she replied.

They looked at each other with puzzled feelings, like two green, glamorous goldfish sleeping at a very popular wedding, which had drum and bass music playing in the background and two stable uncles skipping to the beat.

Suddenly, Beth lunged forward and tried to punch Fairydust in the face. Quickly, Fairydust grabbed the bendy blade and brought it down on Beth's skull.

Beth's curvy toenails trembled and her beautiful warts wobbled. She looked anxious, her body raw like a gigantic, glamorous gun.

Then she let out an agonising groan and collapsed onto the ground. Moments later Beth Connor was dead.

Fairydust Plumb went back inside and made herself a nice glass of whiskey.

THE END