Forgetful Mass Murderer
A Screenplay by Freddy Eastwood
EXT. NOTTING HILL, LONDON - AFTERNOON
Kind doctor MS CHARITY THORNTON is arguing with bold psychiatrist LORD DAVID DOOP. CHARITY tries to hug DAVID but he shakes her off.
CHARITY
Please David, don't leave me.
DAVID
I'm sorry Charity, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
CHARITY
I am such a person!
DAVID frowns.
DAVID
I'm sorry, Charity. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
DAVID leaves.
CHARITY sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, funny private detective MS STANLEY JOHNSON barges in looking flustered.
CHARITY
Goodness, Stanley! Is everything okay?
STANLEY
I'm afraid not.
CHARITY
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
STANLEY
It's ... a mass murderer ... I saw an evil mass murderer devour a bunch of elderly gents!
CHARITY
Defenseless elderly gents?
STANLEY
Yes, defenseless elderly gents!
CHARITY
Bloomin' heck, Stanley! We've got to do something.
STANLEY
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
CHARITY
You can start by telling me where this happened.
STANLEY
I was...
STANLEY fans herself and begins to wheeze.
CHARITY
Focus Stanley, focus! Where did it happen?
STANLEY
The Eden Project, Cornwall! That's right - The Eden Project, Cornwall!
CHARITY springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
CHARITY rushes along the street, followed by STANLEY. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
EXT. THE EDEN PROJECT, CORNWALL - SHORTLY AFTER
HANNAH RANDALL a forgetful mass murderer terrorises two elderly gents.
CHARITY, closely followed by STANLEY, rushes towards HANNAH, but suddenly stops in her tracks.
STANLEY
What is is? What's the matter?
CHARITY
That's not just any old mass murderer, that's Hannah Randall!
STANLEY
Who's Hannah Randall?
CHARITY
Who's Hannah Randall? Who's Hannah Randall? Only the most forgetful mass murderer in the universe!
STANLEY
Blinkin' knickers, Charity! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most forgetful mass murderer in the universe!
CHARITY
You can say that again.
STANLEY
Blinkin' knickers, Charity! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most forgetful mass murderer in the universe!
CHARITY
I'm going to need rainbows, lots of rainbows.
Hannah turns and sees Charity and Stanley. She grins an evil grin.
HANNAH
Charity Thornton, we meet again.
STANLEY
You've met?
CHARITY
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young CHARITY is sitting in a park listening to some R & B music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.
She looks up and sees HANNAH. She takes off her headphones.
HANNAH
Would you like some jelly tots?
CHARITY's eyes light up, but then he studies HANNAH more closely, and looks uneasy.
CHARITY
I don't know, you look kind of forgetful.
HANNAH
Me? No. I'm not forgetful. I'm the least forgetful mass murderer in the world.
CHARITY
Wait, you're a mass murderer?
CHARITY runs away, screaming.
EXT. THE EDEN PROJECT, CORNWALL - PRESENT DAY
HANNAH
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
STANLEY
(To CHARITY) You ran away?
CHARITY
(To STANLEY) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
CHARITY turns to HANNAH.
CHARITY
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
CHARITY runs away.
She turns back and shouts.
CHARITY
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with rainbows.
HANNAH
I'm not scared of you.
CHARITY
You should be.
EXT. A BOOK SHOP - LATER THAT DAY
CHARITY and STANLEY walk around searching for something.
CHARITY
I feel sure I left my rainbows somewhere around here.
STANLEY
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly rainbows.
CHARITY
You know nothing Stanley Johnson.
STANLEY
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, HANNAH appears, holding a pair of rainbows.
HANNAH
Looking for something?
STANLEY
Crikey, Charity, she's got your rainbows.
CHARITY
Tell me something I don't already know!
STANLEY
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
CHARITY
I know that already!
STANLEY
I still wear nappies.
HANNAH
(appalled) Dude!
While HANNAH is looking at STANLEY with disgust, CHARITY lunges forward and grabs her deadly rainbows. He wields them, triumphantly.
CHARITY
Prepare to die, you forgetful sprout!
HANNAH
No please! All I did was devour a bunch of elderly gents!
DAVID enters, unseen by any of the others.
CHARITY
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly gents were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Charity Thornton defender of innocent elderly gents.
HANNAH
Don't hurt me! Please!
CHARITY
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these rainbows on you right away!
HANNAH
Because Charity, I am your mother.
CHARITY looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.
CHARITY
No you're not!
HANNAH
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
HANNAH tries to grab the rainbows but CHARITY dodges out of the way.
CHARITY
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, HANNAH slumps to the ground.
STANLEY
Did she just faint?
CHARITY
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly rainbows.
CHARITY crouches over HANNAH's body.
STANLEY
Be careful, Charity. It could be a trick.
CHARITY
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Hannah Randall is dead!
CHARITY
What?
CHARITY
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
STANLEY claps her hands.
STANLEY
So your rainbows did save the day, after all.
DAVID steps forward.
DAVID
Is it true? Did you kill the forgetful mass murderer?
CHARITY
David how long have you been...?
DAVID puts his arm around CHARITY.
DAVID
Long enough.
CHARITY
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Hannah Randall.
DAVID
Then the elderly gents are safe?
CHARITY
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable elderly gents enter, looking relived.
DAVID
You are their hero.
The elderly gents bow to CHARITY.
CHARITY
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Hannah Randall will never devour elderly gents ever again, is enough for me.
DAVID
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the elderly gents passes CHARITY a gold ring
DAVID
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
CHARITY
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
CHARITY
Well, if you insist.
CHARITY takes the ring.
CHARITY
Thank you.
The elderly gents bow their heads once more, and leave.
CHARITY turns to DAVID.
CHARITY
Does this mean you want me back?
DAVID
Oh, Charity, of course I want you back!
CHARITY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
CHARITY
Well you can't have me.
DAVID
WHAT?
CHARITY
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a mass murderer to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
DAVID
But...
CHARITY
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Stanley.
STANLEY grins.
DAVID
But...
STANLEY
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
DAVID
Charity?
CHARITY
I'm sorry David, but I think you should skidaddle.
DAVID leaves.
STANLEY turns to CHARITY.
STANLEY
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
CHARITY
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly STANLEY stops.
STANLEY
When I said I still wear nappies, you know I was just trying to distract the mass murderer don't you?
Kind doctor MS CHARITY THORNTON is arguing with bold psychiatrist LORD DAVID DOOP. CHARITY tries to hug DAVID but he shakes her off.
Please David, don't leave me.
I'm sorry Charity, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
I am such a person!
DAVID frowns.
I'm sorry, Charity. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
DAVID leaves.
CHARITY sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, funny private detective MS STANLEY JOHNSON barges in looking flustered.
Goodness, Stanley! Is everything okay?
I'm afraid not.
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
It's ... a mass murderer ... I saw an evil mass murderer devour a bunch of elderly gents!
Defenseless elderly gents?
Yes, defenseless elderly gents!
Bloomin' heck, Stanley! We've got to do something.
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
You can start by telling me where this happened.
I was...
STANLEY fans herself and begins to wheeze.
Focus Stanley, focus! Where did it happen?
The Eden Project, Cornwall! That's right - The Eden Project, Cornwall!
CHARITY springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
CHARITY rushes along the street, followed by STANLEY. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
EXT. THE EDEN PROJECT, CORNWALL - SHORTLY AFTER
HANNAH RANDALL a forgetful mass murderer terrorises two elderly gents.
CHARITY, closely followed by STANLEY, rushes towards HANNAH, but suddenly stops in her tracks.
What is is? What's the matter?
That's not just any old mass murderer, that's Hannah Randall!
Who's Hannah Randall?
Who's Hannah Randall? Who's Hannah Randall? Only the most forgetful mass murderer in the universe!
Blinkin' knickers, Charity! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most forgetful mass murderer in the universe!
You can say that again.
Blinkin' knickers, Charity! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most forgetful mass murderer in the universe!
I'm going to need rainbows, lots of rainbows.
Hannah turns and sees Charity and Stanley. She grins an evil grin.
Charity Thornton, we meet again.
You've met?
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young CHARITY is sitting in a park listening to some R & B music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.
She looks up and sees HANNAH. She takes off her headphones.
Would you like some jelly tots?
CHARITY's eyes light up, but then he studies HANNAH more closely, and looks uneasy.
I don't know, you look kind of forgetful.
Me? No. I'm not forgetful. I'm the least forgetful mass murderer in the world.
Wait, you're a mass murderer?
CHARITY runs away, screaming.
EXT. THE EDEN PROJECT, CORNWALL - PRESENT DAY
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
(To CHARITY) You ran away?
(To STANLEY) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
CHARITY turns to HANNAH.
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
CHARITY runs away.
She turns back and shouts.
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with rainbows.
I'm not scared of you.
You should be.
EXT. A BOOK SHOP - LATER THAT DAY
CHARITY and STANLEY walk around searching for something.
I feel sure I left my rainbows somewhere around here.
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly rainbows.
You know nothing Stanley Johnson.
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, HANNAH appears, holding a pair of rainbows.
Looking for something?
Crikey, Charity, she's got your rainbows.
Tell me something I don't already know!
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
I know that already!
I still wear nappies.
(appalled) Dude!
While HANNAH is looking at STANLEY with disgust, CHARITY lunges forward and grabs her deadly rainbows. He wields them, triumphantly.
Prepare to die, you forgetful sprout!
No please! All I did was devour a bunch of elderly gents!
DAVID enters, unseen by any of the others.
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly gents were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Charity Thornton defender of innocent elderly gents.
Don't hurt me! Please!
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these rainbows on you right away!
Because Charity, I am your mother.
CHARITY looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.
No you're not!
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
HANNAH tries to grab the rainbows but CHARITY dodges out of the way.
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, HANNAH slumps to the ground.
Did she just faint?
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly rainbows.
CHARITY crouches over HANNAH's body.
Be careful, Charity. It could be a trick.
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Hannah Randall is dead!
What?
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
STANLEY claps her hands.
So your rainbows did save the day, after all.
DAVID steps forward.
Is it true? Did you kill the forgetful mass murderer?
David how long have you been...?
DAVID puts his arm around CHARITY.
Long enough.
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Hannah Randall.
Then the elderly gents are safe?
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable elderly gents enter, looking relived.
You are their hero.
The elderly gents bow to CHARITY.
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Hannah Randall will never devour elderly gents ever again, is enough for me.
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the elderly gents passes CHARITY a gold ring
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
Well, if you insist.
CHARITY takes the ring.
Thank you.
The elderly gents bow their heads once more, and leave.
CHARITY turns to DAVID.
Does this mean you want me back?
Oh, Charity, of course I want you back!
CHARITY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
Well you can't have me.
WHAT?
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a mass murderer to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
But...
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Stanley.
STANLEY grins.
But...
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
Charity?
I'm sorry David, but I think you should skidaddle.
DAVID leaves.
STANLEY turns to CHARITY.
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly STANLEY stops.
When I said I still wear nappies, you know I was just trying to distract the mass murderer don't you?
......
