John Slaughterhouse and the Five Slippery Tortoises
A Fairy Tale
by Mark Antony Raines
Once upon a time there was a brown boy called John Slaughterhouse. He was on the way to see his Mark Jones, when he decided to take a short cut through Snotchester Forest.
It wasn't long before John got lost. He looked around, but all he could see were trees. Nervously, he felt into his bag for his favourite toy, Henry the Hippo, but Henry the Hippo was nowhere to be found! John began to panic. He felt sure he had packed Henry the Hippo. To make matters worse, he was starting to feel hungry.
Unexpectedly, he saw a slippery tortoise dressed in a blue skirt disappearing into the trees.
"How odd!" thought John.
For the want of anything better to do, he decided to follow the peculiarly dressed tortoise. Perhaps it could tell him the way out of the forest.
Eventually, John reached a clearing. He found himself surrounded by houses made from different sorts of food. There was a house made from carrots, a house made from crisps, a house made from cupcakes, a house made from pizzas, a house made from sweets and a house made from biscuits.
John could feel his tummy rumbling. Looking at the houses did nothing to ease his hunger.
"Hello!" he called. "Is anybody there?"
Nobody replied.
John looked at the roof on the closest house and wondered if it would be rude to eat somebody else's chimney. Obviously it would be impolite to eat a whole house, but perhaps it would be considered acceptable to nibble the odd fixture or lick the odd fitting, in a time of need.
A cackle broke through the air, giving John a fright. A witch jumped into the space in front of the houses. She was carrying a cage. In that cage was Henry the Hippo!
"Henry the Hippo!" shouted John. He turned to the witch. "That's my toy!"
The witch just shrugged.
"Give Henry the Hippo back!" cried John.
"Not on your nelly!" said the witch.
"At least let Henry the Hippo out of that cage!"
Before she could reply, five slippery tortoises rushed in from a footpath on the other side of the clearing. John recognised the one in the blue skirt that he'd seen earlier. The witch seemed to recognise him too.
"Hello Big Tortoise," said the witch.
"Good morning." The tortoise noticed Henry the Hippo. "Who is this?"
"That's Henry the Hippo," explained the witch.
"Ooh! Henry the Hippo would look lovely in my house. Give it to me!" demanded the tortoise.
The witch shook her head. "Henry the Hippo is staying with me."
"Um... Excuse me..." John interrupted. "Henry the Hippo lives with me! And not in a cage!"
Big Tortoise ignored him. "Is there nothing you'll trade?" he asked the witch.
The witch thought for a moment, then said, "I do like to be entertained. I'll release him to anybody who can eat a whole front door."
Big Tortoise looked at the house made from biscuits and said, "No problem, I could eat an entire house made from biscuits if I wanted to."
"That's nothing," said the next tortoise. "I could eat twohouses."
"There's no need to show off," said the witch. Just eat one front door and I'll let you have Henry the Hippo."
John watched, feeling very worried. He didn't want the witch to give Henry the Hippo to Big Tortoise. He didn't think Henry the Hippo would like living with a slippery tortoise, away from his house and all his other toys.
The other four tortoises watched while Big Tortoise put on his bib and withdrew a knife and fork from his pocket.
"I'll eat this whole house," said Big Tortoise. "Just you watch!"
Big Tortoise pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from crisps. He gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.
And more.
And more.
Eventually, Big Tortoise started to get bigger - just a little bit bigger at first. But after a few more fork-fulls of crisps, he grew to the size of a large snowball - and he was every bit as round.
"Erm... I don't feel too good," said Big Tortoise.
Suddenly, he started to roll. He'd grown so round that he could no longer balance!
"Help!" he cried, as he rolled off down a slope into the forest.
Big Tortoise never finished eating the front door made from crisps and Henry the Hippo remained trapped in the witch's cage.
Average Tortoise stepped up, and approached the house made from cupcakes.
"I'll eat this whole house," said Average Tortoise. "Just you watch!"
Average Tortoise pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from cupcakes. She gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.
And more.
And more.
After a while, Average Tortoise started to look a little queasy. She grew greener...
...and greener.
A woodcutter walked into the clearing. "What's this bush doing here?" he asked.
"I'm not a bush, I'm a tortoise!" said Average Tortoise.
"It talks!" exclaimed the woodcutter. "Those talking bushes are the worst kind. I'd better take it away before somebody gets hurt."
"No! Wait!" cried Average Tortoise, as the woodcutter picked her up. But the woodcutter ignored her cries and carried the tortoise away under his arm.
Average Tortoise never finished eating the front door made from cupcakes and Henry the Hippo remained trapped in the witch's cage.
Little Tortoise stepped up, and approached the house made from pizzas.
"I'll eat this whole house," said Little Tortoise. "Just you watch!"
Little Tortoise pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from pizzas. He gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.
And more.
And more.
After five or six platefuls, Little Tortoise started to fidget uncomfortably on the spot.
He stopped eating pizzas for a moment, then grabbed another forkful.
But before he could eat it, there came an almighty roar. A bottom burp louder than a rocket taking off, propelled Little Tortoise into the sky.
"Aggghhhhhh!" cried Little Tortoise. "I'm scared of heigh..."
Little Tortoise was never seen again.
Little Tortoise never finished eating the front door made from pizzas and Henry the Hippo remained trapped in the witch's cage.
Tiny Tortoise stepped up, and approached the house made from sweets.
"I'll eat this whole house," said Tiny Tortoise. "Just you watch!"
Tiny Tortoise pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from sweets. She gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.
And more.
And more.
However, on the next mouthful, the food fell straight out of Tiny Tortoise's mouth. She tried to stuff in another forkful of sweets, but once again, the food fell out. There just wasn't enough room left in her belly.
"This is just not fair!" declared Tiny Tortoise, and stomped off into the forest.
Tiny Tortoise never finished eating the front door made from sweets and Henry the Hippo remained trapped in the witch's cage.
Even-Tinier Tortoise stepped up, and approached the house made from biscuits.
"I'll eat this whole house," said Even-Tinier Tortoise. "Just you watch!"
Even-Tinier Tortoise pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from biscuits. He gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.
And more.
And more.
Suddenly, Even-Tinier Tortoise stopped eating and started dancing. While he danced, he sang at the top of his lungs, "Biscuits! Watch me eat all the biscuits!"
"It looks as though the biscuits are making you hyperactive," laughed the witch.
"Oh no they're not!" cried Even-Tinier Tortoise. "I'm always this excited." With that, he walked into a tree.
Bong!
Even-Tinier Tortoise banged his head and fell backwards onto his bottom. He passed out, exhausted.
Even-Tinier Tortoise never finished eating the front door made from biscuits and Henry the Hippo remained trapped in the witch's cage.
"That's it," said the witch. "I win. I get to keep Henry the Hippo."
"Not so fast," said John. "There is still one front door to go. The front door of the house made from carrots. And I haven't had a turn yet.
"I don't have to give you a turn!" laughed the witch. "My game. My rules."
The woodcutter's voice carried through the forest. "I think you should give him a chance. It's only fair."
"Fine," said the witch. "But you saw what happened to the tortoises. He won't last long."
"I'll be right back," said John.
"What?" said the witch. "Where's your sense of impatience? I thought you wanted Henry the Hippo back."
John ignored the witch and gathered a hefty pile of sticks. He came back to the clearing and started a small camp fire. Carefully, he broke off a piece of the door of the house made from carrots and toasted it over the fire. Once it had cooked and cooled just a little, he took a bite. He quickly devoured the whole piece.
John sat down on a nearby log.
"You fail!" cackled the witch. "You were supposed to eat the whole door."
"I haven't finished," explained John. "I am just waiting for my food to go down."
When John's food had digested, he broke off another piece of the door made from carrots. Once more, he toasted his food over the fire and waited for it to cool just a little. He ate it at a leisurely pace then waited for it to digest.
Eventually, after several sittings, John was down to the final piece of the door made from carrots. Carefully, he toasted it and allowed it to cool just a little. He finished his final course. John had eaten the entire front door of the house made from carrots.
The witch stamped her foot angrily. "You must have tricked me!" she said. "I don't reward cheating!"
"I don't think so!" said a voice. It was the woodcutter. He walked back into the clearing, carrying his axe. "This little boy won fair and square. Now hand over Henry the Hippo or I will chop your broomstick in half."
The witch looked horrified. She grabbed her broomstick and placed it behind her. Then, huffing, she opened the door of the cage.
John hurried over and grabbed Henry the Hippo, checking that his favourite toy was all right. Fortunately, Henry the Hippo was unharmed.
John thanked the woodcutter, grabbed a quick souvenir, and hurried on to meet Mark. It was starting to get dark.
When John got to Mark's house, his threw his arms around him.
"I was so worried!" cried Mark. "You are very late."
As John described his day, he could tell that Mark didn't believe him. So he grabbed a napkin from his pocket.
"What's that?" asked Mark.
John unwrapped a doorknob made from crisps. "Pudding!" he said.
Mark almost fell off his chair.
The End
