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Cowardly Alien
A Screenplay by GHOSTMANINT. HATFIELD HOUSE, ENGLAND - AFTERNOON
Brave private detective MS MOLLY WILSON is arguing with modest police officer PROF SHANE WILLIAMS. MOLLY tries to hug SHANE but he shakes her off.
Please Shane, don't leave me.
I'm sorry Molly, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
I am such a person!
SHANE frowns.
I'm sorry, Molly. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
SHANE leaves.
MOLLY sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, helpful author LADY HARRIET NOLAN barges in looking flustered.
Goodness, Harriet! Is everything okay?
I'm afraid not.
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
It's ... an alien ... I saw an evil alien terrorise a bunch of elderly ladies!
Defenseless elderly ladies?
Yes, defenseless elderly ladies!
Bloomin' heck, Harriet! We've got to do something.
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
You can start by telling me where this happened.
I was...
HARRIET fans herself and begins to wheeze.
Focus Harriet, focus! Where did it happen?
Tower Bridge, London! That's right - Tower Bridge, London!
MOLLY springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
MOLLY rushes along the street, followed by HARRIET. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
EXT. TOWER BRIDGE, LONDON - SHORTLY AFTER
JAMES KOWALSKI a cowardly alien terrorises two elderly ladies.
MOLLY, closely followed by HARRIET, rushes towards JAMES, but suddenly stops in her tracks.
What is is? What's the matter?
That's not just any old alien, that's James Kowalski!
Who's James Kowalski?
Who's James Kowalski? Who's James Kowalski? Only the most cowardly alien in the universe!
Blinkin' knickers, Molly! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most cowardly alien in the universe!
You can say that again.
Blinkin' knickers, Molly! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most cowardly alien in the universe!
I'm going to need stakes, lots of stakes.
James turns and sees Molly and Harriet. He grins an evil grin.
Molly Wilson, we meet again.
You've met?
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young MOLLY is sitting in a park listening to some piano music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.
She looks up and sees JAMES. She takes off her headphones.
Would you like some chocolate?
MOLLY's eyes light up, but then he studies JAMES more closely, and looks uneasy.
I don't know, you look kind of cowardly.
Me? No. I'm not cowardly. I'm the least cowardly alien in the world.
Wait, you're a alien?
MOLLY runs away, screaming.
EXT. TOWER BRIDGE, LONDON - PRESENT DAY
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
(To MOLLY) You ran away?
(To HARRIET) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
MOLLY turns to JAMES.
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
MOLLY runs away.
She turns back and shouts.
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with stakes.
I'm not scared of you.
You should be.
INT. TATE MODERN, ST IVES - LATER THAT DAY
MOLLY and HARRIET walk around searching for something.
I feel sure I left my stakes somewhere around here.
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly stakes.
You know nothing Harriet Nolan.
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, JAMES appears, holding a pair of stakes.
Looking for something?
Crikey, Molly, he's got your stakes.
Tell me something I don't already know!
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
I know that already!
I pick my nose and eat it.
(appalled) Dude!
While JAMES is looking at HARRIET with disgust, MOLLY lunges forward and grabs her deadly stakes. He wields them, triumphantly.
Prepare to die, you cowardly aubergine!
No please! All I did was terrorise a bunch of elderly ladies!
SHANE enters, unseen by any of the others.
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly ladies were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Molly Wilson defender of innocent elderly ladies.
Don't hurt me! Please!
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these stakes on you right away!
Because Molly, I am your father.
MOLLY looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.
No you're not!
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
JAMES tries to grab the stakes but MOLLY dodges out of the way.
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, JAMES slumps to the ground.
Did he just faint?
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly stakes.
MOLLY crouches over JAMES's body.
Be careful, Molly. It could be a trick.
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... James Kowalski is dead!
What?
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
HARRIET claps her hands.
So your stakes did save the day, after all.
SHANE steps forward.
Is it true? Did you kill the cowardly alien?
Shane how long have you been...?
SHANE puts his arm around MOLLY.
Long enough.
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed James Kowalski.
Then the elderly ladies are safe?
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable elderly ladies enter, looking relived.
You are their hero.
The elderly ladies bow to MOLLY.
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that James Kowalski will never terrorise elderly ladies ever again, is enough for me.
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the elderly ladies passes MOLLY a gold talisman
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
Well, if you insist.
MOLLY takes the talisman.
Thank you.
The elderly ladies bow their heads once more, and leave.
MOLLY turns to SHANE.
Does this mean you want me back?
Oh, Molly, of course I want you back!
MOLLY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
Well you can't have me.
WHAT?
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a alien to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
But...
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Harriet.
HARRIET grins.
But...
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
Molly?
I'm sorry Shane, but I think you should skidaddle.
SHANE leaves.
HARRIET turns to MOLLY.
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly HARRIET stops.
When I said I pick my nose and eat it, you know I was just trying to distract the alien don't you?
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