Just A Nightmare by Mark Antony Raines Comedy Friendly Zombie Production 2019
- Synopsis...Have you ever had a nightmare and woke feeling it was real ,this book came to me through such a nightmare .I was inspired to write it down for you dear reader to give it a real. PROLOGUE HI I was in my coffin looking at the velvet lining thinking what have I done with my death but the usual eating; scaring the locals. Its a bit sad so I thought if I have to wait to go on air for my podcast show Freddy the Freak i might as well try to write a book. So here it is .. Tales from wereman to the end as we know it find in the style of comedy horror from the twisted mind of the author to you the reader to read on the toilet whist doing a number two.It's popcorn for the brain.you read one story you want a bit more.enjoy your nightmares.Yours Mark Antony Raines CHAPTER ONE I NEED FOCUS What makes my nightmares is spending time in an abyss listening to the endless Clowns in the governing parties going on about the same subject like a verbal boomerang. I wandering what you the reader may make new get into your nightmares. Is it being chased by a clown relentlessly telling you Christmas cracker jokes. Bugs crawling all over your body getting into your privates, your soul being slowly sacked away by the office bore .Waking up to find your consciousness has been transferred into your wife and yes you are crap in between the sheets. That darling little baby in the pram gurgling tiny little bubbles suddenly changing into a mini werewolf. I enjoyed that new meat we had for dinner what was it called oh yes I remember Human. By now I hope I have ratcheted up the tension and suspense and it all done in the best possible taste. CHAPTER TWO. IT'S TIME TO SET SOME RULES. Which direction am I going with my horror tell I could go classic monsters like Frankenstein, The Mummy; Dracula but it be done before with much better writing then from this idiot. You know the stories I mean vampires who can't walk during daylight appreciably their turn to ash a bugger to hover it up; also the character can't go to a restaurant due to facts that most chefs put garlic all over most meals served, last time that happened the smell for the tiny pieces of vampire was so bad people were retching. Or perhaps a werewolf who is cursed to be a tiny version as the cursed figure was bitten by a cursed Pekingese and has to control thier higher reasoning and animal instinct not to growl at the postman or damn got to say postie in ages of political correctness; pee on lampposts or chase next doors cat. I could make my hero or heroine be subverted to unexpected ways of fighting the bad guys or heels as know in the world of wrestling. My hero or heroine could fight them off whilst eating a packet of ready salted crisps or the werewolf could be totally absorbed in thier narcissism or as you may know it being a bit of a Dick. Oops that may bit may come out in the proof read stage or keep it in for comedy effect. CHAPTER THREE .. . MIX THE MUNDANE WITH THE MADNESS When I say madness I don't mean the British band of the same name although I am a big fan of their songs. I should pull no punches with you dear reader, maybe I could set the scene as a group of demon worshipping cultists have stop thier rite of passage ceremony due to fact Simon s mum wants him home by six o clock or she put his dinner in the bin.The relentless killer who suspends it's chase to have a tea break as put down by the r.k.u..Relentless Killer Union. The ghost who plays a game of solitaire whilst waiting times scare it's next victim or runs all the hot water so you are forced to have a cold shower which will dull your sex life. .nudge nudge say no more. Delving into the dull realities of life to make it a little bit more unnerving. Evil can be boring with its endless plotting; being careful not to get caught. Maybe I might catch you off guard with a laugh or a fright .we shall see if I am right. CHAPTER FOUR . BOO Boo I yell as grabbing the shoulders of a person believe I thought was my friend David from the way he looked from behind. The person turned around and it's not David but a stranger with a dark ;cold staring eyes whom then spoke in a creepy rasping voice (I not hear for you yet David ;it not your turn )I David was a bit confused and terrified at the same time you could say I was shiting myself. I stuttered out the following (what do you mean not my turn? )The Stranger replies (You just caught me on the way to my next assignment .I just stopped in the local tearooms for a lovely afternoon tea and then I was walking along minding my own business when you grabbed me from behind and said boo )David look at the stranger with a full scan of his eyes and realised that the stranger was dressed totally in black and he was at least nearly seven foot tall and he was carrying some sort of book. David then asks with a sense of dread (Who are you? )The stranger let's out a manical laugh (M y dear boy it's am know to all as the grim reaper ;I must go as I am running late; see you around one day )The stranger then disappeared from David sight. So the moral of this tale be careful whom you grab time say boo. CHAPTER FIVE I HAVE A GO Shelia suddenly jumps on the restaurant table shouting at the top of her voice (I have a go)all the fellow diners in the restaurant looked up with disguist in thier eyes. The head waiter walks towards the table were Shelia is situationed ;suddenly Shelia grabs hold of a spoon and she leaps onto the waiter and starts attacking him with the spoon by trying to physical rip out his heart. Before the fellow diners can get up to aid the waiter a sound of laughter echoes around the room. A voice shouts out (Yes tonight Shelia had a go on our new game show Why not give it a go on ABC network ).Game show fun or a CHAPTER SIX . LEAGUE OF NAFF VILLIANS Sitting around thier round table looking like very unlikely knights of a round table and thier leader was not king Arthur. Six of the naffest super villains of all time were having a heated debate over which pizza to order and when was it going to be thier turn to be feared and despised as it was not fair. In no particular order of the group the following are at said table. .Ratty able to eat through concrete; pee everywhere .Baby who's farts can cause others to puke on the spot; able to cry at a drop of a hat; George who was a wannabe wizard but in his spare time was a children's entertainer, Tortoise able to make things go slow for a minute; ability to go within a almost indestructible shell; Wind up robot man capabilities of being super strong and laser eyes as long as his key is turned over regularly, and finally the baddest of this bad bunch White Van man..able to rant abuse and drive his van at you full pelt.So as the debate went on the phone rang; Ratty answers (Hello your through to the LNV how can we help you? ).The voice in the phone says (yeah its the league of justice here we need some test dummies to try out our tactics on to beat the bad guys are you up for it?)So LNV decided to take the gig as it was better than nothing. As usual when the LNV turned up laughing and stupid comments were riff.Into the test site there went, the league of justice looked around and saw that Ratty was missing ;Ratty was gnawing at the concrete pillar supporting the base .Before the league could interfer to stop them there were overcome with a foul stench from Baby and thier movements were at super slow speed due to Tortoise; George produces a black cape and throws it over them; Wind up robot man uses his laser to set it alight; Then white van man runs over them with a mini car which is shrunk by George earlier in the day. you see folks every dog has day and LVD become the new super bad guys. CHAPTER SEVEN THE ELDERLY HOMES DAY OUT As usual for a way to get the pensioners out from Deer Elderly home for the day due to the annual spring cleaning. The residents of the home moaned and groaned as other took them away from the morning television programmes. So on the coach thier went filing in one by one each griping at the person in charge Mark. Mark was only carer or as he was referred too the dogsbody. So on the coach Mark did his best to cheer up the old buggers with sing songs and games. Suddenly the coach crashes over the side of the road smashing directly into a massive tree. A few moments laspe; sound of low tone grunts and groans are heard and a shuffling of feet. Mark wakes up ;he is feeling a bit odd;he is hungry for brains along with his fellow travellers the coach. So if you see a horde of elderly people lead by a man looking like death in advise you to run . CHAPTER EIGHT BEWARE THE WEREMAN? Mitch is a five year old . Mitch was a five year old dog well actually a Jack Russell to name his breed correctly Mitch goes to the door every morning to have a growl and a bark at the paperboy or the postman or vertically anybody who dares to come near his home.The trouble is Mitch thinks he is scary but everyone thinks he is cuddly and generally make fun of him. Mitch hated it but knew that he had a secret that was unknown to his human owners. You see Mitch was a rescue dog who for some reason that the local dog charities could not work out only lasted a month at his placement as the a friend of the adoptee would return him with a very nervous handover and disappear quickly before could be asked what was the issue thier had:when the charity tried to contact them the adoptee thier found they had moved. Mitch was feeling a bit odd as he always did near the end of the month so he went into a quiet corner to rest.The full moon light beam shines on Mitch,his body starts to transform his back legs extend out and become legs;his front legs do the same and become arms;his face becomes rounder ;Mitch stood up walked to the mirror and smiled.Mitch walks up stairs to the bedroom were his so called owners are sleeping and then jumps on the bed and rips at the throats open then eats every little bit left. Mitch goes to the wardrobe and gets dressed and sits in the chair waiting. The paperboy comes as normal to the door to his surprise a quite hairy man answers it and to utter stunned last look on his face as he is dragged into to be meant with a huge set of canine teeth ;Mitch enjoyed that meal now it it's the postman's turn as you see every dog has its day especially when you're a were man. CHAPTER NINE THE GANGSTER PARROT Jazz belongs to Jack a would be gangster who was part of a small gang based in the rural town of Holsworthy in Devon which is the South West of England. Jack was really nothing more then the teaboy as the boss Freddy Eastwood thought he would be useless going around doing gang related business. Jack owned Jazz and African Grey who are highly intelligent and great mimicry skills. Jazz could see that is owner Jack was unhappy so he decided to help him out .Jazz listened to the way Freddy Eastwood talked until he has perfected the voice to a tee. Freddy’s men were suddenly getting orders to put rival members of local gangs in concrete boots and to make sure there bosses knew about it. Freddy got a visit from all the local bosses who were not there for a cup of tea or coffee and some biscuits. There all asked why was he going out his way to start a war. IN the background Jazz pipes up(He thinks you are all useless and complete idiots) and ( I am going to be the big boss)in a perfect mimic of Freddy’s voice. At which point they preceded to produce knives and cut poor Freddy into pieces. Jack enters the room and says (Thank you Jazz) Now Jack is the boss of his local gang and keeps his pet parrot in luxury as a thank you.
CHAPTER TEN THE END
Warren, Percy, Darren; Frank were getting a bit bored as had countless discussions on various topics, played all the card games there knew.Warren (When do you think it happen then?)Percy looks up( I reckon by the next fifty years. ) Darren (No at the rate the human race is destroying the world it be sooner) Frank (I wish it hurry up )So The four horsemen if the Apocalypse await as you know them better as War, Death, Famine: Pestilence. I wake up in had a strange nightmare in which I wrote a series of bizarre horror tales for a book it seemed so real. The End
Index PROLOGUE - I NEED FOCUS_ .. . MIX THE MUNDANE WITH THE MADNESS _BOO_I HAVE A GO - LEAGUE OF NAFF VILLIANS_THE ELDERLY HOMES DAY OUT - THE GANGSTER PARROT _THE END. About The Author Mark Antony Raines..I am married,draw cartoons,podcast,into cryptozoolog y,,paranormal,conspiracy theories,u.f.o,Bi gfoot.I like to write horror stories with a sense of humour in them.
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