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Verbal aggressiveness in communication has been studied to examine the underlying message of how the aggressive communicator gains control over different things that occur, through the usage of verbal aggressiveness. Scholars have identified that individuals who express verbal aggressiveness have the goal of controlling and manipulating others through language. Infante and Wigley defined verbal aggressiveness as "a personality trait that predisposes persons to attack the self-concepts of other people instead of, or in addition to, their positions on topics of communication". [1] Self-concept can be described as a group of values and beliefs that one has. Verbal aggressiveness is thought to be mainly a destructive form of communication, but it can produce positive outcomes. Infante and Wigley described aggressive behavior in interpersonal communication as products of individual's aggressive traits and the way the person perceives the aggressive circumstances that prevents them or something in a situation.
There are four primary reasons or causes suggested by Infante, Trebing, Shepard, and Seeds, which are:
Frustration—in which a goal is blocked by someone or having to deal with an individual deemed "unworthy" of one's time
Social learning—in which the aggressive behavior has been learned from observing other individuals
Psychopathology—in which an individual attacks other persons because of unresolved issues
Argumentative skill deficiency—in which an individual lacks verbal skills to deal with an issue, and therefore resorts to verbal aggressiveness
These motivators of verbal aggressiveness contribute to an individual with a verbally aggressive personality trait.[6]
More recently Shaw, Kotowski, Boster, and Levine demonstrated that verbal aggression may be caused by variation in prenatal testosterone exposure.[7] They conducted two studies in which they measured the length of the second and fourth digits (2D:4D) on each hand of participants, an indicator of amount of prenatal androgen exposure, and conducted a questionnaire to determine the verbal aggressiveness of participants. A negative correlation between 2D:4D and verbal aggressiveness was determined. [8]
Self-concept damage is the most fundamental effect, which can cause long lasting and more harmful results than the temporal effects. The more temporal and short term effects are: hurt feelings, anger, irritation, embarrassment, discouragement, humiliation, despair, and depression. Verbal aggressiveness that harms an individual's self-concept can follow an individual throughout their life. For instance, Infante and Wigley state "the self-concept damage done by teasing a child about an aspect of physical appearance can endure for a lifetime and exert an enormous impact on the amount of unhappiness experience".[9] Verbal aggressiveness is also a major cause of violence. When verbal aggressiveness escalates, it often turns into physical violence.
The constructive traits which produce satisfaction and increase relationship contentment by helping to increase understandings between the different positions are assertiveness and argumentativeness. Assertiveness is often confused with aggressiveness, but assertive individuals often possess traits like dominance, independence, and competitiveness. Infante and Rancer define argumentativeness as the "trait-like behavior that predisposes an individual to take a stand on controversial issues and attack the positions that other people take".[10] Argumentative individuals focus on the topic rather than attacking an individual. Productive argumentativeness can produce positive outcomes in communication through challenging and defending standpoints through justification. This allows for reasoning between individuals to resolve issue and terminate the disagreement. Argumentative encounters such as this have a positive correlation to relational satisfaction.[11]
The destructive traits, hostility and verbal aggressiveness, lead to dissatisfaction in communication and relationship deterioration. Destructive verbal aggressiveness is used for revenge, teasing, and to manipulate others. Verbal aggressiveness is destructive and links to the hostility trait. Unlike argumentativeness, verbal aggressiveness is focused on defending one's identity and attacking others; not trying to resolve the dispute but instead attacking individuals self-concept. Also, verbally aggressive individuals often do not provide as much evidence to support their standpoint. In many cases these individuals possess verbally aggressive traits because they lack the skills to argue rationally and effectively, and therefore use verbally aggressive messages as their defense mechanism. Individuals with argumentative skill deficiency often see violence as their only alternative. These aggressive tactics cause a digression by using personal attacks which do not allow for the disagreement to ever be resolved.[11]
The manners in which conflicts are dealt with in romantic relationships differ among each partnership. There are numerous concepts, qualities, and traits that predict the verbal aggressiveness of each partner within a romantic relationship. How couples deal with arguments and controversy has been a major topic amongst researchers for many years. When resolving a dispute is the objective amongst a couple, each individual's argumentative traits come into play. The way in which couples engage and act during a discrepancy can play a chief role in the satisfaction of each partner.
Verbal aggressiveness often results in deterioration of relational satisfaction. Romantically involved couples can perceive verbally aggressive messages as unaffectionate communication. Infante and et al. found that "an act of verbal aggression produces a negative emotional reaction (e.g., anger); the negative reaction can remain covert, leaving a trace effect that can combine additively with subsequent verbal aggression. If the effect if not dissipated through some means, it can lead to the formation of intensions to behave with physical aggression toward the origin or perceived origin of the verbal aggression".[12] Verbal aggressiveness is impacted by the commitment levels of the partners in a relationship. Research findings have shown a negative correlation between commitment and destructive confrontation, and also commitment and communicative acts of abuse.[13]
The arguments that occur between romantic partners play a crucial role in the quality and course of relationships. Arguing successfully means, at least in some part, that a couple will avoid unwarranted negativity and approach discrepancies in confidence that discussing dissimilarities of opinion will supply positive results. Many couples refocus the argument and attack the other partner rather than staying on track with the differences of opinion on a subject. Unhappily married couples tend to use a more destructive approach to conflict. Verbal aggressiveness is resorted to in conflict and controversy. Infante and et al. found that in violent marriages more character attacks and competence attacks are used during disputes. Happily married couples were more likely to resolve disputes without the use of verbally aggressive messages, using instead argumentativeness to negotiate an agreement.[12]
1. CHOOSE NOT TO RESPOND IN KIND.
Responding to anger, which is what verbally aggressive people are expressing, with anger in your own voice is pointless. It gets you nowhere. They are already angry and now you are too.
2. CHOOSE NOT TO TAKE IT PERSONALLY.
Verbally aggressive people usually speak with hurtful words. Rather than being saddened by the painful words, realize that words cannot hurt you. You have a choice about how you respond. Taking their angry words personally only makes you feel bad and doesn’t help them feel better either.
3. RESPOND WITH CARING.
In a study of psychiatric nurses who worked with non-physical methods to de-escalate a verbally aggressive patient, nurses who could identify an escalating situation then followed these steps to help the patients to come back to a calm state.
* Check the aggressive person’s level of aggressiveness on a scale of 1 to 10
* Attempt to understand the meaning of the aggressive behavior
* Connected with the aggressive person
* Matched a solution intervention to the person’s needs
You can use these same strategies to attempt to deescalate an aggressive situation.
* Check their level of aggressiveness. Ask yourself if based on their actions they are just a little upset or if there is potential for injuries caused to either the angry person or others.
* Don’t wait to call for help if you think someone could get hurt.
* Listen to everything the angry person is saying and rephrase it back to them to make sure you understood them correctly.
* Use language like ‘I understand why you would be upset’ or ‘I can see how that would be frustrating for you.’
* Ask the aggressive person for a suggestion to fix the problem or offer your own solution.
4. ALLOW THEM A SAFE PLACE TO EXPRESS THEIR EMOTIONS.
From our article 5 Signs Someone is Manipulating You, you may recall that manipulation is a trait of passive aggressive people. Avoid being manipulated by recognizing the aggression for what it is, anger. If you’ve done nothing wrong, don’t let the angry person force you into an apology.
What a verbally aggressive person needs is a place to vent their angry frustrations where someone will listen, empathize and try to find a win-win solution for both parties. Let the angry person know that you are willing to listen but only if they calm down so you can talk at a normal volume.
5. ALLOW THEM SPACE TO BE ALONE.
Aggressive people are usually quick to be overwhelmed and then frustrated by a lot of sensory input. Traffic and crowded places for example have lots of sights, sounds, and decisions that have to be made. Too much is going on and it becomes difficult to process making a person frustrated by sensory overload.
When the person goes beyond frustration to aggressiveness, it can become a dangerous situation for the focus of their anger. This type of aggressive pattern is a fairly common one in our lives of daily stress. Removing some of the stimuli that are making sound is one of the best ways to deescalate and aggressive person.
Allow them to have a more quiet environment for a moment so they can calm down their level of anxiety. Aggression to you may just be a panic attack for them that has put them in fight or flight mode.
6. RESPOND WITH HUMOR
No one likes to be made fun of, but if you can be quick with a sincere joke, even one at your own expense and laugh, that ability to add humor is the best way to respond to a verbally aggressive person. A comment like ‘Hey, I understand. I get a little more likely to get angry right before lunch too’ or something non-hurtful that can possibly get a smile from the other person.
7. SUGGEST RESOURCES FOR HELP.
Ask the verbally aggressive person how best to help them if they ever feel this angry about something again in the future. Offer whatever resources you have that may help them. Counseling resources are more widely available now than ever before.
There are counseling apps, text lines, websites, phone and video chats available now. There is no reason to live with emotional pain if therapy can help. For more information on emotional problems and how they affect relationships read our article about warning signs you’re in a relationship with a sociopath.
