Kevin Vader and the Two Kind Gerbils
A Fairy Tale
by Mark Antony Raines
Once upon a time there was a solid boy called Kevin Vader. He was on the way to see his Kevin Greenway, when he decided to take a short cut through Spittleton Woods.
It wasn't long before Kevin got lost. He looked around, but all he could see were trees. Nervously, he felt into his bag for his favourite toy, Bunny, but Bunny was nowhere to be found! Kevin began to panic. He felt sure he had packed Bunny. To make matters worse, he was starting to feel hungry.
Unexpectedly, he saw a kind gerbil dressed in a yellow bowler hat disappearing into the trees.
"How odd!" thought Kevin.
For the want of anything better to do, he decided to follow the peculiarly dressed gerbil. Perhaps it could tell him the way out of the forest.
Eventually, Kevin reached a clearing. In the clearing were three houses, one made from aubergines, one made from biscuits and one made from muffins.
Kevin could feel his tummy rumbling. Looking at the houses did nothing to ease his hunger.
"Hello!" he called. "Is anybody there?"
Nobody replied.
Kevin looked at the roof on the closest house and wondered if it would be rude to eat somebody else's chimney. Obviously it would be impolite to eat a whole house, but perhaps it would be considered acceptable to nibble the odd fixture or lick the odd fitting, in a time of need.
A cackle broke through the air, giving Kevin a fright. A witch jumped into the space in front of the houses. She was carrying a cage. In that cage was Bunny!
"Bunny!" shouted Kevin. He turned to the witch. "That's my toy!"
The witch just shrugged.
"Give Bunny back!" cried Kevin.
"Not on your nelly!" said the witch.
"At least let Bunny out of that cage!"
Before she could reply, two kind gerbils rushed in from a footpath on the other side of the clearing. Kevin recognised the one in the yellow bowler hat that he'd seen earlier. The witch seemed to recognise him too.
"Hello Big Gerbil," said the witch.
"Good morning." The gerbil noticed Bunny. "Who is this?"
"That's Bunny," explained the witch.
"Ooh! Bunny would look lovely in my house. Give it to me!" demanded the gerbil.
The witch shook her head. "Bunny is staying with me."
"Um... Excuse me..." Kevin interrupted. "Bunny lives with me! And not in a cage!"
Big Gerbil ignored him. "Is there nothing you'll trade?" he asked the witch.
The witch thought for a moment, then said, "I do like to be entertained. I'll release him to anybody who can eat a whole front door."
Big Gerbil looked at the house made from muffins and said, "No problem, I could eat an entire house made from muffins if I wanted to."
"That's nothing," said the next gerbil. "I could eat two houses."
"There's no need to show off," said the witch. Just eat one front door and I'll let you have Bunny."
Kevin watched, feeling very worried. He didn't want the witch to give Bunny to Big Gerbil. He didn't think Bunny would like living with a kind gerbil, away from his house and all his other toys.
The other one gerbils watched while Big Gerbil put on his bib and withdrew a knife and fork from his pocket.
"I'll eat this whole house," said Big Gerbil. "Just you watch!"
Big Gerbil pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from biscuits. He gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.
And more.
And more.
Eventually, Big Gerbil started to get bigger - just a little bit bigger at first. But after a few more fork-fulls of biscuits, he grew to the size of a large snowball - and he was every bit as round.
"Erm... I don't feel too good," said Big Gerbil.
Suddenly, he started to roll. He'd grown so round that he could no longer balance!
"Help!" he cried, as he rolled off down a slope into the forest.
Big Gerbil never finished eating the front door made from biscuits and Bunny remained trapped in the witch's cage.
Average Gerbil stepped up, and approached the house made from muffins.
"I'll eat this whole house," said Average Gerbil. "Just you watch!"
Average Gerbil pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from muffins. She gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.
And more.
And more.
After a while, Average Gerbil started to look a little queasy. She grew greener...
...and greener.
A woodcutter walked into the clearing. "What's this bush doing here?" he asked.
"I'm not a bush, I'm a gerbil!" said Average Gerbil.
"It talks!" exclaimed the woodcutter. "Those talking bushes are the worst kind. I'd better take it away before somebody gets hurt."
"No! Wait!" cried Average Gerbil, as the woodcutter picked her up. But the woodcutter ignored her cries and carried the gerbil away under his arm.
Average Gerbil never finished eating the front door made from muffins and Bunny remained trapped in the witch's cage.
"That's it," said the witch. "I win. I get to keep Bunny."
"Not so fast," said Kevin. "There is still one front door to go. The front door of the house made from aubergines. And I haven't had a turn yet.
"I don't have to give you a turn!" laughed the witch. "My game. My rules."
The woodcutter's voice carried through the forest. "I think you should give him a chance. It's only fair."
"Fine," said the witch. "But you saw what happened to the gerbils. He won't last long."
"I'll be right back," said Kevin.
"What?" said the witch. "Where's your sense of impatience? I thought you wanted Bunny back."
Kevin ignored the witch and gathered a hefty pile of sticks. He came back to the clearing and started a small camp fire. Carefully, he broke off a piece of the door of the house made from aubergines and toasted it over the fire. Once it had cooked and cooled just a little, he took a bite. He quickly devoured the whole piece.
Kevin sat down on a nearby log.
"You fail!" cackled the witch. "You were supposed to eat the whole door."
"I haven't finished," explained Kevin. "I am just waiting for my food to go down."
When Kevin's food had digested, he broke off another piece of the door made from aubergines. Once more, he toasted his food over the fire and waited for it to cool just a little. He ate it at a leisurely pace then waited for it to digest.
Eventually, after several sittings, Kevin was down to the final piece of the door made from aubergines. Carefully, he toasted it and allowed it to cool just a little. He finished his final course. Kevin had eaten the entire front door of the house made from aubergines.
The witch stamped her foot angrily. "You must have tricked me!" she said. "I don't reward cheating!"
"I don't think so!" said a voice. It was the woodcutter. He walked back into the clearing, carrying his axe. "This little boy won fair and square. Now hand over Bunny or I will chop your broomstick in half."
The witch looked horrified. She grabbed her broomstick and placed it behind her. Then, huffing, she opened the door of the cage.
Kevin hurried over and grabbed Bunny, checking that his favourite toy was all right. Fortunately, Bunny was unharmed.
Kevin thanked the woodcutter, grabbed a quick souvenir, and hurried on to meet Kevin. It was starting to get dark.
When Kevin got to Kevin's house, his threw his arms around him.
"I was so worried!" cried Kevin. "You are very late."
As Kevin described his day, he could tell that Kevin didn't believe him. So he grabbed a napkin from his pocket.
"What's that?" asked Kevin.
Kevin unwrapped a doorknob made from biscuits. "Pudding!" he said.
Kevin almost fell off his chair.
The End
