Scheming Cow
A Screenplay by Mark Antony Raines
INT. A LIBRARY - AFTERNOON
Loving computer programmer PROF CATHERINE COX is arguing with grateful nurse SIR GARTH PITT. CATHERINE tries to hug GARTH but he shakes her off.
CATHERINE
Please Garth, don't leave me.
GARTH
I'm sorry Catherine, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
CATHERINE
I am such a person!
GARTH frowns.
GARTH
I'm sorry, Catherine. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
GARTH leaves.
CATHERINE sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, intelligent fishmonger DI BARRY ZEUS barges in looking flustered.
CATHERINE
Goodness, Barry! Is everything okay?
BARRY
I'm afraid not.
CATHERINE
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
BARRY
It's ... a cow ... I saw an evil cow attack a bunch of children!
CATHERINE
Defenseless children?
BARRY
Yes, defenseless children!
CATHERINE
Bloomin' heck, Barry! We've got to do something.
BARRY
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
CATHERINE
You can start by telling me where this happened.
BARRY
I was...
BARRY fans himself and begins to wheeze.
CATHERINE
Focus Barry, focus! Where did it happen?
BARRY
National History Museum, London! That's right - National History Museum, London!
CATHERINE springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
CATHERINE rushes along the street, followed by BARRY. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - SHORTLY AFTER
CHAD GIANTBULB a scheming cow terrorises two children.
CATHERINE, closely followed by BARRY, rushes towards CHAD, but suddenly stops in her tracks.
BARRY
What is is? What's the matter?
CATHERINE
That's not just any old cow, that's Chad Giantbulb!
BARRY
Who's Chad Giantbulb?
CATHERINE
Who's Chad Giantbulb? Who's Chad Giantbulb? Only the most scheming cow in the universe!
BARRY
Blinkin' knickers, Catherine! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most scheming cow in the universe!
CATHERINE
You can say that again.
BARRY
Blinkin' knickers, Catherine! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most scheming cow in the universe!
CATHERINE
I'm going to need rifles, lots of rifles.
Chad turns and sees Catherine and Barry. He grins an evil grin.
CHAD
Catherine Cox, we meet again.
BARRY
You've met?
CATHERINE
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young CATHERINE is sitting in a park listening to some reggae music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.
She looks up and sees CHAD. She takes off her headphones.
CHAD
Would you like some peppermints?
CATHERINE's eyes light up, but then he studies CHAD more closely, and looks uneasy.
CATHERINE
I don't know, you look kind of scheming.
CHAD
Me? No. I'm not scheming. I'm the least scheming cow in the world.
CATHERINE
Wait, you're a cow?
CATHERINE runs away, screaming.
INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - PRESENT DAY
CHAD
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
BARRY
(To CATHERINE) You ran away?
CATHERINE
(To BARRY) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
CATHERINE turns to CHAD.
CATHERINE
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
CATHERINE runs away.
She turns back and shouts.
CATHERINE
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with rifles.
CHAD
I'm not scared of you.
CATHERINE
You should be.
INT. HATFIELD HOUSE, ENGLAND - LATER THAT DAY
CATHERINE and BARRY walk around searching for something.
CATHERINE
I feel sure I left my rifles somewhere around here.
BARRY
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly rifles.
CATHERINE
You know nothing Barry Zeus.
BARRY
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, CHAD appears, holding a pair of rifles.
CHAD
Looking for something?
BARRY
Crikey, Catherine, he's got your rifles.
CATHERINE
Tell me something I don't already know!
BARRY
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
CATHERINE
I know that already!
BARRY
I still wear nappies.
CHAD
(appalled) Dude!
While CHAD is looking at BARRY with disgust, CATHERINE lunges forward and grabs her deadly rifles. He wields them, triumphantly.
CATHERINE
Prepare to die, you scheming aubergine!
CHAD
No please! All I did was attack a bunch of children!
GARTH enters, unseen by any of the others.
CATHERINE
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those children were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Catherine Cox defender of innocent children.
CHAD
Don't hurt me! Please!
CATHERINE
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these rifles on you right away!
CHAD
Because Catherine, I am your father.
CATHERINE looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.
CATHERINE
No you're not!
CHAD
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
CHAD tries to grab the rifles but CATHERINE dodges out of the way.
CATHERINE
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, CHAD slumps to the ground.
BARRY
Did he just faint?
CATHERINE
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly rifles.
CATHERINE crouches over CHAD's body.
BARRY
Be careful, Catherine. It could be a trick.
CATHERINE
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Chad Giantbulb is dead!
CATHERINE
What?
CATHERINE
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
BARRY claps his hands.
BARRY
So your rifles did save the day, after all.
GARTH steps forward.
GARTH
Is it true? Did you kill the scheming cow?
CATHERINE
Garth how long have you been...?
GARTH puts his arm around CATHERINE.
GARTH
Long enough.
CATHERINE
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Chad Giantbulb.
GARTH
Then the children are safe?
CATHERINE
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable children enter, looking relived.
GARTH
You are their hero.
The children bow to CATHERINE.
CATHERINE
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Chad Giantbulb will never attack children ever again, is enough for me.
GARTH
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the children passes CATHERINE a magic ring
GARTH
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
CATHERINE
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
CATHERINE
Well, if you insist.
CATHERINE takes the ring.
CATHERINE
Thank you.
The children bow their heads once more, and leave.
CATHERINE turns to GARTH.
CATHERINE
Does this mean you want me back?
GARTH
Oh, Catherine, of course I want you back!
CATHERINE smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
CATHERINE
Well you can't have me.
GARTH
WHAT?
CATHERINE
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a cow to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
GARTH
But...
CATHERINE
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Barry.
BARRY grins.
GARTH
But...
BARRY
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
GARTH
Catherine?
CATHERINE
I'm sorry Garth, but I think you should skidaddle.
GARTH leaves.
BARRY turns to CATHERINE.
BARRY
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
CATHERINE
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly BARRY stops.
BARRY
When I said I still wear nappies, you know I was just trying to distract the cow don't you?
THE END
Loving computer programmer PROF CATHERINE COX is arguing with grateful nurse SIR GARTH PITT. CATHERINE tries to hug GARTH but he shakes her off.
Please Garth, don't leave me.
I'm sorry Catherine, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
I am such a person!
GARTH frowns.
I'm sorry, Catherine. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
GARTH leaves.
CATHERINE sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, intelligent fishmonger DI BARRY ZEUS barges in looking flustered.
Goodness, Barry! Is everything okay?
I'm afraid not.
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
It's ... a cow ... I saw an evil cow attack a bunch of children!
Defenseless children?
Yes, defenseless children!
Bloomin' heck, Barry! We've got to do something.
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
You can start by telling me where this happened.
I was...
BARRY fans himself and begins to wheeze.
Focus Barry, focus! Where did it happen?
National History Museum, London! That's right - National History Museum, London!
CATHERINE springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
CATHERINE rushes along the street, followed by BARRY. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - SHORTLY AFTER
CHAD GIANTBULB a scheming cow terrorises two children.
CATHERINE, closely followed by BARRY, rushes towards CHAD, but suddenly stops in her tracks.
What is is? What's the matter?
That's not just any old cow, that's Chad Giantbulb!
Who's Chad Giantbulb?
Who's Chad Giantbulb? Who's Chad Giantbulb? Only the most scheming cow in the universe!
Blinkin' knickers, Catherine! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most scheming cow in the universe!
You can say that again.
Blinkin' knickers, Catherine! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most scheming cow in the universe!
I'm going to need rifles, lots of rifles.
Chad turns and sees Catherine and Barry. He grins an evil grin.
Catherine Cox, we meet again.
You've met?
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young CATHERINE is sitting in a park listening to some reggae music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.
She looks up and sees CHAD. She takes off her headphones.
Would you like some peppermints?
CATHERINE's eyes light up, but then he studies CHAD more closely, and looks uneasy.
I don't know, you look kind of scheming.
Me? No. I'm not scheming. I'm the least scheming cow in the world.
Wait, you're a cow?
CATHERINE runs away, screaming.
INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - PRESENT DAY
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
(To CATHERINE) You ran away?
(To BARRY) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
CATHERINE turns to CHAD.
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
CATHERINE runs away.
She turns back and shouts.
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with rifles.
I'm not scared of you.
You should be.
INT. HATFIELD HOUSE, ENGLAND - LATER THAT DAY
CATHERINE and BARRY walk around searching for something.
I feel sure I left my rifles somewhere around here.
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly rifles.
You know nothing Barry Zeus.
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, CHAD appears, holding a pair of rifles.
Looking for something?
Crikey, Catherine, he's got your rifles.
Tell me something I don't already know!
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
I know that already!
I still wear nappies.
(appalled) Dude!
While CHAD is looking at BARRY with disgust, CATHERINE lunges forward and grabs her deadly rifles. He wields them, triumphantly.
Prepare to die, you scheming aubergine!
No please! All I did was attack a bunch of children!
GARTH enters, unseen by any of the others.
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those children were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Catherine Cox defender of innocent children.
Don't hurt me! Please!
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these rifles on you right away!
Because Catherine, I am your father.
CATHERINE looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.
No you're not!
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
CHAD tries to grab the rifles but CATHERINE dodges out of the way.
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, CHAD slumps to the ground.
Did he just faint?
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly rifles.
CATHERINE crouches over CHAD's body.
Be careful, Catherine. It could be a trick.
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Chad Giantbulb is dead!
What?
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
BARRY claps his hands.
So your rifles did save the day, after all.
GARTH steps forward.
Is it true? Did you kill the scheming cow?
Garth how long have you been...?
GARTH puts his arm around CATHERINE.
Long enough.
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Chad Giantbulb.
Then the children are safe?
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable children enter, looking relived.
You are their hero.
The children bow to CATHERINE.
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Chad Giantbulb will never attack children ever again, is enough for me.
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the children passes CATHERINE a magic ring
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
Well, if you insist.
CATHERINE takes the ring.
Thank you.
The children bow their heads once more, and leave.
CATHERINE turns to GARTH.
Does this mean you want me back?
Oh, Catherine, of course I want you back!
CATHERINE smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
Well you can't have me.
WHAT?
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a cow to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
But...
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Barry.
BARRY grins.
But...
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
Catherine?
I'm sorry Garth, but I think you should skidaddle.
GARTH leaves.
BARRY turns to CATHERINE.
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly BARRY stops.
When I said I still wear nappies, you know I was just trying to distract the cow don't you?
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